When we were in the throes of going through all our infertility mess, I mostly kept it to ourselves. I mean, I had some friends that I would talk to about it, and definitely my mom. But, I didn't talk about it on social media or anything. Once we got pregnant, I became more vocal about it. Infertility is something that no one talks about and it's very very isolating. Once I felt ok talking about it, I want to help anyone and everyone who is going through it so that they don't feel the confusion, frustration, and isolation that we did. If I can even help one person going through it, then it was worth it. (well, that and my precious boy. He made it worth it too!) Since coming out with it, I've had several people reach out and ask questions about what we went through. I'm so glad they feel like they can and I hope I've helped them. So, here are some nuggets of advice I'd give anyone going through the infertility struggle. It helped me and will hopefully help them.
1. Be your own advocate. I can not stress this enough. I have seen and heard that RE's go to treatment is IVF. It has the highest success rate and costs much more. Why wouldn't they want that? However, for some people (us included), it's more of a last ditch effort. I wanted to exhaust any and all options before trying IVF. Both my RE and another doctor in the practice told me I'd be very successful due to my egg hoarding tendencies. But, for me, I wasn't ready to make that leap just yet. And, thankfully I didn't need to. I also advocated for myself to go on a higher dose of meds my last round, and that also paid off. You know your own body better than anyone else and you know what's best for you.
2. Trust that it will happen. I know the most annoying piece of advice to infertiles is "relax it'll happen". But, for me, when I finally accepted that I WOULD get my baby -even if it's not when or how or why I wanted - I would get him. That gave me the peace that I needed to move through the process.
3. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. So often we feel the need to be strong and to put on a brave face all the time. But, going through infertilty is hands down the hardest thing I've ever been through. And, sometimes it was impossible to put on a brave face. So, I allowed myself a day to be totally mad or sad or discouraged or whatever. Allowing myself that one day to feel what I needed to feel really helped. After that day was over, I was able to pull myself out of whatever funk I was in and get going again.
4. Have a good support system. This doesn't have to even be people you know in real life. I had an amazing group of women online that I confided in. We were all going through it together, which helped more than I can say. There's something about having a sounding board of people who know exactly what you're going through. My IRL friends were great too. They were supportive and kind. And, of course my mom. She helped more than she could ever know. But having those people to listen, or to let you cry or bitch, and to just give you a big hug, makes it bearable.
5. Trust and like your doctor and the whole office staff. Those people will be more intimate with you than your husband at time. You darn well better like them and feel comfortable with them!
So, here are some things that helped me. I hope it will help someone else out there! And, if you ever need someone to be in your support system, I'm here.
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
A year ago today...
As I was getting ready for work this morning, my sweet boy was laying on our bed babbling and talking away. It was the sweetest sound in the world. A year ago today, my morning was much different. It was a Monday and it was a big day. It was the day of our IUI. Our last effort in conceiving.
The actual procedure was scheduled for 9 am. But, we had to take B's contribution at 8 so they could wash them up real good and get them ready for their big date with my eggs. Yes, eggs. I had 4 that were big enough to release when I did my trigger shot. We knew we were playing a risky little game, but this was our last shot and it was go big or go home. After we dropped it off, we went down the street to get some coffee. Well, coffee for him and water for me. I was already nervous enough. I didn't need to be all hopped up on caffeine. It was kind of a quiet little coffee date. I think we were both in our own heads about what was about to go down.
We arrived back at the office and were ushered to a room. I was only used to the ultrasound rooms, so this was a new place for me. It was brighter and had a window. For some reason, I found comfort in this. I was told to take off everything from the waist down and lay on the table under the paper that would cover my lady bits. For some reason I always hid my undies in my purse during these visits. Clearly B had seen my undies and the person doing the procedure would see far more personal things than my undies, but still. Small personal privacy victories people. We had to wait a bit before the nurse came back. B, always the one to not be serious in a serious situation, asked if he could hop on the table and put his feet up in the stirrups. Laughing and being goofy with him is just what I needed in that moment.
The whole IUI procedure took less than 15 minutes. It would have taken less had she not had to switch speculums cause the first one hurt like a mo fo. That was it. 15 minutes that would change our lives forever. I laid on the table for about 10 minutes after to let gravity do its thing. I took the day off work, so when I got home I changed into comfy pants, put a pillow under my hips, and laid on the couch all day long. A friend told me to visualize the sperm swimming to my eggs. Me, being ridiculous, ended up singing "Just keep swimming" from Finding Nemo in my head all day. I guess it's basically the same thing. One would even say it was the first song I ever sang to my baby. (That was meant as a joke and now I'm all teary eyed thinking about it. Good Lord.)
Next I waited for 2 long weeks. The 2 longest weeks of my life. But, since you all have met my sweet boy, you know how that turned out!
And, since I haven't posted a pic of my little dude in a while, here's a picture. My whole heart captured in one picture.
The actual procedure was scheduled for 9 am. But, we had to take B's contribution at 8 so they could wash them up real good and get them ready for their big date with my eggs. Yes, eggs. I had 4 that were big enough to release when I did my trigger shot. We knew we were playing a risky little game, but this was our last shot and it was go big or go home. After we dropped it off, we went down the street to get some coffee. Well, coffee for him and water for me. I was already nervous enough. I didn't need to be all hopped up on caffeine. It was kind of a quiet little coffee date. I think we were both in our own heads about what was about to go down.
We arrived back at the office and were ushered to a room. I was only used to the ultrasound rooms, so this was a new place for me. It was brighter and had a window. For some reason, I found comfort in this. I was told to take off everything from the waist down and lay on the table under the paper that would cover my lady bits. For some reason I always hid my undies in my purse during these visits. Clearly B had seen my undies and the person doing the procedure would see far more personal things than my undies, but still. Small personal privacy victories people. We had to wait a bit before the nurse came back. B, always the one to not be serious in a serious situation, asked if he could hop on the table and put his feet up in the stirrups. Laughing and being goofy with him is just what I needed in that moment.
The whole IUI procedure took less than 15 minutes. It would have taken less had she not had to switch speculums cause the first one hurt like a mo fo. That was it. 15 minutes that would change our lives forever. I laid on the table for about 10 minutes after to let gravity do its thing. I took the day off work, so when I got home I changed into comfy pants, put a pillow under my hips, and laid on the couch all day long. A friend told me to visualize the sperm swimming to my eggs. Me, being ridiculous, ended up singing "Just keep swimming" from Finding Nemo in my head all day. I guess it's basically the same thing. One would even say it was the first song I ever sang to my baby. (That was meant as a joke and now I'm all teary eyed thinking about it. Good Lord.)
Next I waited for 2 long weeks. The 2 longest weeks of my life. But, since you all have met my sweet boy, you know how that turned out!
And, since I haven't posted a pic of my little dude in a while, here's a picture. My whole heart captured in one picture.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
On being "formerly infertile"
Hey hey, it turned out to be a two post day after all.
As you all know, the hubs and I suffered from infertility before we became pregnant. Even though we're now parents to the cutest boy that has ever lived, I still compeltely consider myself to be infertile. On two seperate occations this week I've seen discussions of going from infertile to fertile. My internet pal Aly wrote a great post today about the same topic. I also came across an article via resolve.org Twitter about becoming fertile after dealing with infertility. But, for me, I don't know that I will ever be able to make that jump.
Infertility changed me to my core. It was the hardest thing that I have ever been through and I really feel that it changed me as a person. It made me realize that with patience and determination, I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I ever realized. However, along with the positive, it also changed me in some negative ways too. It will forever be hard for me to hear a pregnancy announcement. I will forever feel a stab of jealousy when someone gets pregnant without a thought or an ounce of effort. I will always be angry when someone takes this amazing gift for granted (myself included as I was not above bitching about the negative aspects of pregnancy). I wish it were different, but, at least for now, it's not. We tried so hard and so long and spent so much money, that I feel I will always have that initial reaction to an announcement.
A good friend of mine recently told me she was pregnant. She had unprotected sex one time with her husband. One time. That was all it took. And while I'm very excited for her, it still took me a moment to get there. I hate this hardened piece of myself. But, for now, it's there. It's not all consuming like it once was. But, I fear it will always be there.
Please don't get me wrong. I know how unbelieveably blessed we are to have our little guy. And I fully and completely believe that we went through everything we did because HE was meant to be ours and was meant to be ours in the exact way and time he became ours. I would go throught it all a million more times to have my son. I also believe that going through all that will make me a better mother. Not that other mothers who got pregnant easily are bad, not at all. All mothers are the best they can be. (Girl power and all that!) But, I think that I am always a little more cognisant of how lucky I am to be a mother and I try not to take that fact for granted.
And, since you guys put up with two rather heavy wordy posts today, here's a picture of said cutest boy that ever lived!
As you all know, the hubs and I suffered from infertility before we became pregnant. Even though we're now parents to the cutest boy that has ever lived, I still compeltely consider myself to be infertile. On two seperate occations this week I've seen discussions of going from infertile to fertile. My internet pal Aly wrote a great post today about the same topic. I also came across an article via resolve.org Twitter about becoming fertile after dealing with infertility. But, for me, I don't know that I will ever be able to make that jump.
Infertility changed me to my core. It was the hardest thing that I have ever been through and I really feel that it changed me as a person. It made me realize that with patience and determination, I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I ever realized. However, along with the positive, it also changed me in some negative ways too. It will forever be hard for me to hear a pregnancy announcement. I will forever feel a stab of jealousy when someone gets pregnant without a thought or an ounce of effort. I will always be angry when someone takes this amazing gift for granted (myself included as I was not above bitching about the negative aspects of pregnancy). I wish it were different, but, at least for now, it's not. We tried so hard and so long and spent so much money, that I feel I will always have that initial reaction to an announcement.
A good friend of mine recently told me she was pregnant. She had unprotected sex one time with her husband. One time. That was all it took. And while I'm very excited for her, it still took me a moment to get there. I hate this hardened piece of myself. But, for now, it's there. It's not all consuming like it once was. But, I fear it will always be there.
Please don't get me wrong. I know how unbelieveably blessed we are to have our little guy. And I fully and completely believe that we went through everything we did because HE was meant to be ours and was meant to be ours in the exact way and time he became ours. I would go throught it all a million more times to have my son. I also believe that going through all that will make me a better mother. Not that other mothers who got pregnant easily are bad, not at all. All mothers are the best they can be. (Girl power and all that!) But, I think that I am always a little more cognisant of how lucky I am to be a mother and I try not to take that fact for granted.
And, since you guys put up with two rather heavy wordy posts today, here's a picture of said cutest boy that ever lived!
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Inspiration and Pinspiration
Back when I was planning my wedding, I was an active member of the online community Weddingbee. After the wedding, I stuck around because I love weddings and wasn't quite ready to go from bride to wife just yet. Then, as we started to TTC, I found a great little nook of Weddingbee for those of us TTC. And, more importantly, a thread of us that were struggling. These women became my lifeline during the rough years that followed. They were in the trenches too. They GOT it in a way that no one else could. We supported eachother, cheered for eachother, cried for eachother. I'm happy to say that most of us that started on that board over 2 years ago have "graduated" and gone on to either have babies or get pregnant. When we had a graduate, I can honestly say that I was genuinely happy for eacho of these ladies. They earned it.
On the bee, there was a thread going around that was full of inspiration quote graphics. I wrote a lot of them down in the notebook I always carry with me. It served as a great pick me up when I was feeling down or frustrated or just plain pissed off. Then, once I discovered the gloriousness that is Pinterest, I started my own board of inspirational quotes. And, even though I'm on the other side, it's nice to look back and remember those sayings and quotes that got me through. And, still get me through.
So, I thought I'd share a few of my favorites with you guys. It'll just be the quote since I can't source all the graphics. Or, access Pinterest from my work computer... These are the ones that really spoke to me.
* Your journey is unfolding exactly as it should be
* Just because something isn't happening foryou right now doesn't mean it never will
* The longer you wait for something, the more you'll appreciate it when you get it. Cause anything worth having is definitely worth waiting for (this one is definitely a favorite for me now. As I deal with stretch marks and pregnancy insomnia and all the not so fun sides of pregnancy, I know that it's all so worth it and I would cover myself in stretch marks and never sleep a full night again to have this baby)
* It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.
* Jerimiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you...plans to give you hope and a future (this Bible verse has served me well through so many ups and downs in my life).
* You never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have.
*Owning our stories and loving ourselves through that porcess is the bravest thing we will ever do. (this one is so meaningful to me b/c there were so many times I was so mad at myself and my body. This was what my body was made to do and yet it failed me time and time again.)
*God has a purpose for your pain, a reason for your struggles, and a reward for your faithfulness. Don't give up.
*Your journey has molded your for your greater good. And it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is the right time.
*Worrying will NEVER change the outcome.
*Whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.
*The question is not how to survive, but how to thrive with passion, compassion, humor, & style.
*We must be wiling to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. -Joseph Campbell
*She took a leap and built her wings on the way down.
*She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails. - Elizabeth Edwards
You may have noticed that a lot of these are about letting go and trusting some sort of grander plan. This was so hard for me. I'm a planner and a control freak in the worst way. I get so frustrated when things don't go my way or how and when I plan them. It took me letting go and trusting that I was going to get my baby. When or how I couldn't control. I just had to have faith that it would happen. That faith is what gave me the strenght to get through some of the darkest times with the infertility struggle. And, it actually calmed me. Once I let go I felt better. I knew in my heart it would happen. And it did.
On the bee, there was a thread going around that was full of inspiration quote graphics. I wrote a lot of them down in the notebook I always carry with me. It served as a great pick me up when I was feeling down or frustrated or just plain pissed off. Then, once I discovered the gloriousness that is Pinterest, I started my own board of inspirational quotes. And, even though I'm on the other side, it's nice to look back and remember those sayings and quotes that got me through. And, still get me through.
So, I thought I'd share a few of my favorites with you guys. It'll just be the quote since I can't source all the graphics. Or, access Pinterest from my work computer... These are the ones that really spoke to me.
* Your journey is unfolding exactly as it should be
* Just because something isn't happening foryou right now doesn't mean it never will
* The longer you wait for something, the more you'll appreciate it when you get it. Cause anything worth having is definitely worth waiting for (this one is definitely a favorite for me now. As I deal with stretch marks and pregnancy insomnia and all the not so fun sides of pregnancy, I know that it's all so worth it and I would cover myself in stretch marks and never sleep a full night again to have this baby)
* It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.
* Jerimiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you...plans to give you hope and a future (this Bible verse has served me well through so many ups and downs in my life).
* You never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have.
*Owning our stories and loving ourselves through that porcess is the bravest thing we will ever do. (this one is so meaningful to me b/c there were so many times I was so mad at myself and my body. This was what my body was made to do and yet it failed me time and time again.)
*God has a purpose for your pain, a reason for your struggles, and a reward for your faithfulness. Don't give up.
*Your journey has molded your for your greater good. And it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is the right time.
*Worrying will NEVER change the outcome.
*Whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.
*The question is not how to survive, but how to thrive with passion, compassion, humor, & style.
*We must be wiling to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. -Joseph Campbell
*She took a leap and built her wings on the way down.
*She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails. - Elizabeth Edwards
You may have noticed that a lot of these are about letting go and trusting some sort of grander plan. This was so hard for me. I'm a planner and a control freak in the worst way. I get so frustrated when things don't go my way or how and when I plan them. It took me letting go and trusting that I was going to get my baby. When or how I couldn't control. I just had to have faith that it would happen. That faith is what gave me the strenght to get through some of the darkest times with the infertility struggle. And, it actually calmed me. Once I let go I felt better. I knew in my heart it would happen. And it did.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
I'm Pregnant!! Now What?!
When we last left off, our infertility journey wrapped up with an early morning trip to the potty. I swear, those were the longest 3 minutes of my life! I had heard that when you're actually pregnant you don't need to use first morning pee or that it won't take the full 3 mintues. Mine was obviously first morning pee as it was 4:45. And, while I don't think it took the full 3 minutes, it definitely didn't just pop up either. Then, there it was - the second line. That glorious, beautiful second line.
I had taken many a preggo test in my day. Digital ones, blue dye ones, ones with lines, ones with a positive sign. You name it, I had been there. Now, at this point, I had stopped using the digital ones. There was just something really mean and somewhat sinister about seeing "NOT PREGNANT" in writing. Why you gotta be so rude pregnancy test?! So, this go 'round, I was using the First Response kind. Amongst the infertility boards I was frequenting, these were the most accurate and had fewer false negatives or positives (apparently blue dye tests are more faulty. The more you know.).
I finished my business and went in and woke up B. Poor guy had been at a work event pretty late the night before and wasn't exactly in the best condition. Such a great story to tell sweet baby H - your daddy was hungover the morning we found out about you! I think we may have to fib a bit... So, I woke up the sleeping husband and shoved the pee stick in his face. To his blurry eyes, he didn't see that beautiful second line. Hand and voice shaking I made him look harder. Sure enough, there it was to him too. I hadn't imagined it. I burst into tears. It was really really happening. Holy shit. Bless his heart, he wasn't quite as emotional as me. Perhaps it was the early morning wake up? Since it was a Friday morning, I had to get ready for work. Luckily I had woken up early b/c I had to head to the RE's office to get a blood test!! Woo Hoo!! After I had gotten somewhat ready, I called my mom. It was 5:30 her time. Clearly I could have cared less about other people's sleep that day. She saw it was me and she said she just knew I was calling her to tell her it was a negative test. Nope! Fooled you lady! She and I both were in tears. We had waited so long for this moment. While I was on the phone with my parents (my step-dad had woken up at this point), B delivered his news to his parents in the worst possible way ever. He texted them a picture of the positive test. Talk about anti-climatic! His mom immediately called him of course.
So, after the phone convos with the parents, off I went to the doctor's office to have my blood test. Somewhere along the line I had lost my fear of needles. Especially this one. This needle was finally going to deliver good news. I was told to expect my results by noon. Noon came and went and I had heard nothing. I was starting to really freak the eff out. This couldn't be good. No news was bad news. Then, I got an email from my nurse, Kim. God love Kim. She was so amazing through this whole process I can't even begin to say. She said their phones were down but she knew I wanted the results so she emailed them to me. My HCG (the pregnancy hormone) was at 21.8 which was, as she put, not "knock me down fantastic." I of course burst into tears. Then, she emailed me back saying that she went back and looked at my chart because she wanted this to work out for us so badly and I had tested too early. That made me feel loads better. I went back in on Monday, and my number had gone up accordingly and continued to do so! That was one scary and exciting and nerve wracking weekend though. We got to see our little nugget at 6 weeks and 7 weeks. Then, we were released to my OB. Like a normal pregnant lady.
Since you guys have stuck through all these posts with no pictures, I'll indulge in one! You're welcome for including a picture that is involved with my pee!
I had taken many a preggo test in my day. Digital ones, blue dye ones, ones with lines, ones with a positive sign. You name it, I had been there. Now, at this point, I had stopped using the digital ones. There was just something really mean and somewhat sinister about seeing "NOT PREGNANT" in writing. Why you gotta be so rude pregnancy test?! So, this go 'round, I was using the First Response kind. Amongst the infertility boards I was frequenting, these were the most accurate and had fewer false negatives or positives (apparently blue dye tests are more faulty. The more you know.).
I finished my business and went in and woke up B. Poor guy had been at a work event pretty late the night before and wasn't exactly in the best condition. Such a great story to tell sweet baby H - your daddy was hungover the morning we found out about you! I think we may have to fib a bit... So, I woke up the sleeping husband and shoved the pee stick in his face. To his blurry eyes, he didn't see that beautiful second line. Hand and voice shaking I made him look harder. Sure enough, there it was to him too. I hadn't imagined it. I burst into tears. It was really really happening. Holy shit. Bless his heart, he wasn't quite as emotional as me. Perhaps it was the early morning wake up? Since it was a Friday morning, I had to get ready for work. Luckily I had woken up early b/c I had to head to the RE's office to get a blood test!! Woo Hoo!! After I had gotten somewhat ready, I called my mom. It was 5:30 her time. Clearly I could have cared less about other people's sleep that day. She saw it was me and she said she just knew I was calling her to tell her it was a negative test. Nope! Fooled you lady! She and I both were in tears. We had waited so long for this moment. While I was on the phone with my parents (my step-dad had woken up at this point), B delivered his news to his parents in the worst possible way ever. He texted them a picture of the positive test. Talk about anti-climatic! His mom immediately called him of course.
So, after the phone convos with the parents, off I went to the doctor's office to have my blood test. Somewhere along the line I had lost my fear of needles. Especially this one. This needle was finally going to deliver good news. I was told to expect my results by noon. Noon came and went and I had heard nothing. I was starting to really freak the eff out. This couldn't be good. No news was bad news. Then, I got an email from my nurse, Kim. God love Kim. She was so amazing through this whole process I can't even begin to say. She said their phones were down but she knew I wanted the results so she emailed them to me. My HCG (the pregnancy hormone) was at 21.8 which was, as she put, not "knock me down fantastic." I of course burst into tears. Then, she emailed me back saying that she went back and looked at my chart because she wanted this to work out for us so badly and I had tested too early. That made me feel loads better. I went back in on Monday, and my number had gone up accordingly and continued to do so! That was one scary and exciting and nerve wracking weekend though. We got to see our little nugget at 6 weeks and 7 weeks. Then, we were released to my OB. Like a normal pregnant lady.
Since you guys have stuck through all these posts with no pictures, I'll indulge in one! You're welcome for including a picture that is involved with my pee!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Our Infertility Journey - the Finale!
When we last left off, we went to the injections class to learn how to give myself the injections of stimulation meds to get my ovaries to get off their lazy asses and finally release some eggs. Since the meds are "special" you can't just walk into your neighborhood Walgreens and fill your prescription. So, we ordered them and waited for their arrival. Meanwhile, I was on another medicine to induce my cycle. My body can really do nothing on it's own!
First Try
I don't remember all the details as this happened last spring and I now have a full on case of baby brain. So, bear with me. This time, to induce my cycle, Dr. M put me on birth control. Because of that, I could get my baseline before my actual cycle started. Or something like that. I went in for my baseline and everything was looking good. I got the go ahead to start my medicine. I was prescribed Menopur 75 IU (he started me on a low dose b/c I have a plethora of eggs and didn't want to overstimulate me). The first night, B and I got the medicine out ready to mix it all up. I decided that I would mix and he would shoot. I was so nervous and freaked out that I knocked over one of the vials with my shaking hand. B banished me to the other room to lay down and just wait for him. He was so awesome through this whole process, I can't even say. I am so lucky that I got to marry him. He got the meds all mixed up and came in bearing the needle. Now, I should say that the needle really is nothing. It's like half an inch and tiny. But, again, I was terrified of needles at this point. So, that day, I was wearing a dress and had to lift it in order to do the injection in my belly fat. I was already nervous and felt very vulnerable. So, as I laid down to get the shot (agian, scardey cat!) I pulled the covers up to cover myself. B thought this was hilarious and ridiculous. Thankfully, it kind of cut my tension and made me relax a bit. The shot itself wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
I was trucking along with my shots and monitoring visits. Mid way through the shots, Dr. M upped my dose to 150 IU of Menopur since my lazy ovaries just weren't doing their thing just yet. This is the cycle I realized I was allergic to the "don't ovulate too early" medicine. I just got a major welt on my belly at the injection site and it was crazy itchy. Dr. M decided to just take me off of it and said it was no big deal at all. I finally had a nice thick uterine lining and one good size follicle. It was time to trigger! Then, 36 hours later, it was time to do the deed. Obviously I won't go into too much detail here, but let me just say that early morning, timed, mandatory sexy time is actually the exact opposite of sexy. But, we made it work. Fast forward two weeks.....aaaaaannnnnd big fat negative. I'm very grateful that my clinic only makes you come in for a blood test if you get a positive at home. It's much easier to bear when you can mourn in the privacy of your own home. All in all, I think my cycle, from day 1 to trigger was 10 days or so. According to the nurse, this was on the long side.
Second Try
We decided to jump right into the second attempt just as soon as we could. Luckily, my body actually started my cycle on it's own, so we didn't have to wait for that. This time, we started with 150 IU of medicine since it realy kick started my ovaries the previous cycle. This cycle went much faster. I only had to have like 2 monitoring visits vs. 3 or 4 the previous cycle. I had one good follicle this time and a great lining. Now, this is the cycle that during which we found out about B's awful SA. So the negative wasn't as shocking or hard this time around. I was ready for it. Don't get me wrong, it still stings. A negative always does. But, far less so when you know it's coming.
Third Try
So, third time is supposed to be the charm right? Plus, it was supposed to have our highest odds, so we were really hopeful this round. We had taken a month or so off, making sure B's numbers were where they needed to be. We were there and ready to go. This time, we decided to go for IUI. This was our last shot, so we were bringing out the big guns. And, being the planner that I am, I was prepared. My insurance doesn't cover anything for an IUI cycle, meds, visits, the procedure itself, nothing. So, during my last cycle, I totally over ordered my meds and had enough to get me through this cycle. Yay for thinking ahead! At my baseline ultrasound, I talked dosage to Dr. M. He wanted to start me on 150 IU again and maybe move up from there. I asked if we could start at 225 IU and move down if need me. This was our last shot and I really wanted to do everything in my power to make this work. He agreed that that was a good plan and we went through with it. He was going on vacation, so I wouldn't deal with him for the rest of the cycle. Usually a nurse is who does the ultrasounds, but I was lucky this time to get a doctor each time. Dr. C was the one did my monitoring visits in Dr. M's absense. I was in great hands. My first monitoring visit she saw all my eggs and was like, "if you do IVF you WILL be successful, you have so many eggs!". I just laughed it off. This cycle did take a bit longer than the previous one, but still not crazy long. But, it did get a bit hairy for a minute. Some of the time, during a monitoring visit, they monitor your progesterone as well. You don't want that level to get too high. That means you're being overstimulated and are at risk for Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. You DO NOT want that. It's bad news. So, when they took mine, they noticed it was a bit elevated. They lowered my dose back down to 75 IU and had me come in the next day. Needless to say, I was less than happy about this. There was talk of cancelling my cycle. I was devestated. So, on a Saturday morning, B went with me, and we took a look. I had FOUR follicles!!! FOUR. This was great news to me. Now, for Dr. C she was a little apprehensive since that could potentially mean four babies. But, with IUI I think 4 is their cut off. Had I had one more, I would have been cancelled. My progesterone levels were still on the high side, but not too high. We were in business!! They did change up my trigger shot to something else and gave me a pill to take for 10 dyas to prevent hyperstimulation. 2 days later, we went in for our IUI. B's numbers were fantastic again. The nurse did the procedure and the whole thing only took a few minutes. It was uncomfortable, but not painful. A friend had told me to visualize the sperm swimming up to meet my egg(s). As I attempted that, I ended up singing "Just Keep Swimming" from Finding Nemo. Typical. I took the day off work to relax and keep my hips elevated all day. I think this did a world of good. The next two weeks were the longest of my life. This was our last shot at having a baby of our own. We were out of money and out of options at this point. A lot was riding on this cycle. Patience has never been my strong suit. Like ever. So, two Fridays after the IUI (less than two weeks) I woke up super early from a dream. In the dream, I took a test and it was positive. I had the same dream my first cycle, and we all know how that turned out. But, this time, I was sure it had to be true. It just had to be. So, at 4:45 I got out of bed and went and took the test. It was positive. Holy shit, I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First Try
I don't remember all the details as this happened last spring and I now have a full on case of baby brain. So, bear with me. This time, to induce my cycle, Dr. M put me on birth control. Because of that, I could get my baseline before my actual cycle started. Or something like that. I went in for my baseline and everything was looking good. I got the go ahead to start my medicine. I was prescribed Menopur 75 IU (he started me on a low dose b/c I have a plethora of eggs and didn't want to overstimulate me). The first night, B and I got the medicine out ready to mix it all up. I decided that I would mix and he would shoot. I was so nervous and freaked out that I knocked over one of the vials with my shaking hand. B banished me to the other room to lay down and just wait for him. He was so awesome through this whole process, I can't even say. I am so lucky that I got to marry him. He got the meds all mixed up and came in bearing the needle. Now, I should say that the needle really is nothing. It's like half an inch and tiny. But, again, I was terrified of needles at this point. So, that day, I was wearing a dress and had to lift it in order to do the injection in my belly fat. I was already nervous and felt very vulnerable. So, as I laid down to get the shot (agian, scardey cat!) I pulled the covers up to cover myself. B thought this was hilarious and ridiculous. Thankfully, it kind of cut my tension and made me relax a bit. The shot itself wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
I was trucking along with my shots and monitoring visits. Mid way through the shots, Dr. M upped my dose to 150 IU of Menopur since my lazy ovaries just weren't doing their thing just yet. This is the cycle I realized I was allergic to the "don't ovulate too early" medicine. I just got a major welt on my belly at the injection site and it was crazy itchy. Dr. M decided to just take me off of it and said it was no big deal at all. I finally had a nice thick uterine lining and one good size follicle. It was time to trigger! Then, 36 hours later, it was time to do the deed. Obviously I won't go into too much detail here, but let me just say that early morning, timed, mandatory sexy time is actually the exact opposite of sexy. But, we made it work. Fast forward two weeks.....aaaaaannnnnd big fat negative. I'm very grateful that my clinic only makes you come in for a blood test if you get a positive at home. It's much easier to bear when you can mourn in the privacy of your own home. All in all, I think my cycle, from day 1 to trigger was 10 days or so. According to the nurse, this was on the long side.
Second Try
We decided to jump right into the second attempt just as soon as we could. Luckily, my body actually started my cycle on it's own, so we didn't have to wait for that. This time, we started with 150 IU of medicine since it realy kick started my ovaries the previous cycle. This cycle went much faster. I only had to have like 2 monitoring visits vs. 3 or 4 the previous cycle. I had one good follicle this time and a great lining. Now, this is the cycle that during which we found out about B's awful SA. So the negative wasn't as shocking or hard this time around. I was ready for it. Don't get me wrong, it still stings. A negative always does. But, far less so when you know it's coming.
Third Try
So, third time is supposed to be the charm right? Plus, it was supposed to have our highest odds, so we were really hopeful this round. We had taken a month or so off, making sure B's numbers were where they needed to be. We were there and ready to go. This time, we decided to go for IUI. This was our last shot, so we were bringing out the big guns. And, being the planner that I am, I was prepared. My insurance doesn't cover anything for an IUI cycle, meds, visits, the procedure itself, nothing. So, during my last cycle, I totally over ordered my meds and had enough to get me through this cycle. Yay for thinking ahead! At my baseline ultrasound, I talked dosage to Dr. M. He wanted to start me on 150 IU again and maybe move up from there. I asked if we could start at 225 IU and move down if need me. This was our last shot and I really wanted to do everything in my power to make this work. He agreed that that was a good plan and we went through with it. He was going on vacation, so I wouldn't deal with him for the rest of the cycle. Usually a nurse is who does the ultrasounds, but I was lucky this time to get a doctor each time. Dr. C was the one did my monitoring visits in Dr. M's absense. I was in great hands. My first monitoring visit she saw all my eggs and was like, "if you do IVF you WILL be successful, you have so many eggs!". I just laughed it off. This cycle did take a bit longer than the previous one, but still not crazy long. But, it did get a bit hairy for a minute. Some of the time, during a monitoring visit, they monitor your progesterone as well. You don't want that level to get too high. That means you're being overstimulated and are at risk for Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. You DO NOT want that. It's bad news. So, when they took mine, they noticed it was a bit elevated. They lowered my dose back down to 75 IU and had me come in the next day. Needless to say, I was less than happy about this. There was talk of cancelling my cycle. I was devestated. So, on a Saturday morning, B went with me, and we took a look. I had FOUR follicles!!! FOUR. This was great news to me. Now, for Dr. C she was a little apprehensive since that could potentially mean four babies. But, with IUI I think 4 is their cut off. Had I had one more, I would have been cancelled. My progesterone levels were still on the high side, but not too high. We were in business!! They did change up my trigger shot to something else and gave me a pill to take for 10 dyas to prevent hyperstimulation. 2 days later, we went in for our IUI. B's numbers were fantastic again. The nurse did the procedure and the whole thing only took a few minutes. It was uncomfortable, but not painful. A friend had told me to visualize the sperm swimming up to meet my egg(s). As I attempted that, I ended up singing "Just Keep Swimming" from Finding Nemo. Typical. I took the day off work to relax and keep my hips elevated all day. I think this did a world of good. The next two weeks were the longest of my life. This was our last shot at having a baby of our own. We were out of money and out of options at this point. A lot was riding on this cycle. Patience has never been my strong suit. Like ever. So, two Fridays after the IUI (less than two weeks) I woke up super early from a dream. In the dream, I took a test and it was positive. I had the same dream my first cycle, and we all know how that turned out. But, this time, I was sure it had to be true. It just had to be. So, at 4:45 I got out of bed and went and took the test. It was positive. Holy shit, I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Our Infertility Journey - Part 5
Now it's time to discuss my last part of our treatments. Then, I think we'll be done!
So, in April B's SA was good enough for me to head back to see Dr. M. We made an appointment for a consultation to see where we needed to go and what our next steps were going to be. Together we decided that our next course of treatment was going to be injectable sitmulation meds and timed intercourse. He strongly recommended doing intrauterine insemination (IUI). Well, truth be told, he really wanted me to do invetro fertilization (IVF), which terrified both me and my bank account. We just weren't there yet mentally or financially. But, my insurance didn't cover an IUI cycle (or IVF for that matter!) and I wanted to exhaust all my insurance coverable options first. The success rate for our course of action was 10%, the success rate for IUI was 18%, and the success rate for IVF is 60%. Just to give you some sort of idea, the average healthy fertile couple has about a 30% of conceiving each month. So, either way our odds were low for what we were willing to do at that point. Dr. M did say that your first month has the lowest chances, whith the chance increasing each cycle until your third cycle. After that it sort of plateaus.
With a plan in place, we went to our injectable class. It's required by all fertility clinics to ensure you know how to properly mix and administer your meds. Thank goodness B was there with me. Cause the minute the nurse started playing around with the needles, all I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears and y inner voice trying to convince myself to not pass out. At that point, I was still a HUGE needle wuss. We took the class, got everything set up, ordered my meds and waited for my other medicine to induce lovely old AF. Here's the timeline of how everything works:
CD (cycle day) 1 - 3: go in for a baseline ultrasound. This measures how your body is at the beginning. It looks at your uterine lining and your ovaries to ensure there are no cysts and sees how many eggs are chillig out in there. It should be said that all of these ultrasounds are internal. So, definitely not what you'd expect from an ultrasound. Those in the infertility community come to lovingly refer to it as the "vag cam".
CD 3: start injections. Dose to be determined by the RE and prior response.
CD 6 - ? : Monitoring ultrasounds as needed. These measure the uterine lining to make sure it's thick enough for implantation. I think the goal is to get it at about 10 mm. They also monitor the number and size of your follicles. Obviously you want at least one good one. More is better. Too many is bad news bears. The goal size for these babies (hahahahaha, see what I did there?!) is about 18 mm or bigger.
At some point in the cycle most women also start another medicine to prohibit you from ovulating too early. I took this shot exactly once and realized I was allergic to it so I never took it again.
Once you have a big enough follie, then you take your "trigger shot". This triggers you to ovulate. The evening you take this shot (all shots are takend b/w 6 and 8 pm) you're supposed to, well, you know. Then, 36 hours later you either you know again or have your IUI. Then, two weeks later you pee on a stick and see what happens!
Ok, this post is getting kind of long, and probably very technical and boring. Looks like there will be a part 6 to finish this saga up!
So, in April B's SA was good enough for me to head back to see Dr. M. We made an appointment for a consultation to see where we needed to go and what our next steps were going to be. Together we decided that our next course of treatment was going to be injectable sitmulation meds and timed intercourse. He strongly recommended doing intrauterine insemination (IUI). Well, truth be told, he really wanted me to do invetro fertilization (IVF), which terrified both me and my bank account. We just weren't there yet mentally or financially. But, my insurance didn't cover an IUI cycle (or IVF for that matter!) and I wanted to exhaust all my insurance coverable options first. The success rate for our course of action was 10%, the success rate for IUI was 18%, and the success rate for IVF is 60%. Just to give you some sort of idea, the average healthy fertile couple has about a 30% of conceiving each month. So, either way our odds were low for what we were willing to do at that point. Dr. M did say that your first month has the lowest chances, whith the chance increasing each cycle until your third cycle. After that it sort of plateaus.
With a plan in place, we went to our injectable class. It's required by all fertility clinics to ensure you know how to properly mix and administer your meds. Thank goodness B was there with me. Cause the minute the nurse started playing around with the needles, all I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears and y inner voice trying to convince myself to not pass out. At that point, I was still a HUGE needle wuss. We took the class, got everything set up, ordered my meds and waited for my other medicine to induce lovely old AF. Here's the timeline of how everything works:
CD (cycle day) 1 - 3: go in for a baseline ultrasound. This measures how your body is at the beginning. It looks at your uterine lining and your ovaries to ensure there are no cysts and sees how many eggs are chillig out in there. It should be said that all of these ultrasounds are internal. So, definitely not what you'd expect from an ultrasound. Those in the infertility community come to lovingly refer to it as the "vag cam".
CD 3: start injections. Dose to be determined by the RE and prior response.
CD 6 - ? : Monitoring ultrasounds as needed. These measure the uterine lining to make sure it's thick enough for implantation. I think the goal is to get it at about 10 mm. They also monitor the number and size of your follicles. Obviously you want at least one good one. More is better. Too many is bad news bears. The goal size for these babies (hahahahaha, see what I did there?!) is about 18 mm or bigger.
At some point in the cycle most women also start another medicine to prohibit you from ovulating too early. I took this shot exactly once and realized I was allergic to it so I never took it again.
Once you have a big enough follie, then you take your "trigger shot". This triggers you to ovulate. The evening you take this shot (all shots are takend b/w 6 and 8 pm) you're supposed to, well, you know. Then, 36 hours later you either you know again or have your IUI. Then, two weeks later you pee on a stick and see what happens!
Ok, this post is getting kind of long, and probably very technical and boring. Looks like there will be a part 6 to finish this saga up!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Our Infertility Journey - Part 4
When we last left off, we were ending the Year of Fun a bit earlier than expected and decided to give the whole baby making thing another try. We were able to schedule an appointment with Dr. S fairly quickly and get the ball rolling agian.
We met with Dr. S in November 2011 to discuss what our next steps were. He said the surgery had great odds of being successful. It was still going to have to be covered out of pocket, but we could fight it with insurance and he'd be behind us 100%. Once we figured out our payment options and how we were going to make this thing work,we got the surgery scheduled for early February 2012. We also decided to go ahead and do a tissue harvest this time just in case it wasn't able to be repaired. If that were the case, we'd have testicular tissue to be able to do IVF with ICSI.
The surgery was a success! Dr. S was able to totally repair the right side. The left side was too far gone to be able to fix, but we just needed one side. He was very excited with the results and we left the surgical center (it was a same day procedure) in good spirits. B spent the weekend icing his manly bits and resting up.
The plan was to have a SA (semen analysis) 2 months post op to see how things were progressing. Dr. S warned us that it could take up to a year to see any sperm in an SA following this type of procedure. His first post op SA was in April 2012. It was great. The numbers were still lower than normal, but there were definitely sperm in there! In fact, there were enough for me to be able to go back to Dr. M and get my process started again! (I'll post that in part 5 since my stuff is fairly involved.) Since the numbers were less than "normal", Dr. S wanted a follow up SA in 2 more months. So, in June, off we went again. This time was not good. It was bad. There were like maybe 2 sperm in the SA. And, those were dead. They were not forward moving at all. We were crushed. Devestated. Had the surgery not worked after all? Had B scarred back up again? We didn't know what to do, but we knew we couldn't afford to pay for another uncovered surgery. We went to see Dr. S and he was just as upset as us. He said it could be a fluke, it could be an infection, it could be scarring. There's really no way to know. His first line of defense was to do a "drug cocktail" as he put it. It was an anti inflammatory, an antibiotic, and a steroid. B was to take it for 10 days. I made sure he took that stuff like it was his job. It appeared to work. His follow up SA was amazing! His numbers were through the roof fantastic. I cried when I saw the results. It was just so amazing!
He's had to continue to do follow up visits just to make sure nothing else goes wrong. So far, so good.
Next up - my treatments.
We met with Dr. S in November 2011 to discuss what our next steps were. He said the surgery had great odds of being successful. It was still going to have to be covered out of pocket, but we could fight it with insurance and he'd be behind us 100%. Once we figured out our payment options and how we were going to make this thing work,we got the surgery scheduled for early February 2012. We also decided to go ahead and do a tissue harvest this time just in case it wasn't able to be repaired. If that were the case, we'd have testicular tissue to be able to do IVF with ICSI.
The surgery was a success! Dr. S was able to totally repair the right side. The left side was too far gone to be able to fix, but we just needed one side. He was very excited with the results and we left the surgical center (it was a same day procedure) in good spirits. B spent the weekend icing his manly bits and resting up.
The plan was to have a SA (semen analysis) 2 months post op to see how things were progressing. Dr. S warned us that it could take up to a year to see any sperm in an SA following this type of procedure. His first post op SA was in April 2012. It was great. The numbers were still lower than normal, but there were definitely sperm in there! In fact, there were enough for me to be able to go back to Dr. M and get my process started again! (I'll post that in part 5 since my stuff is fairly involved.) Since the numbers were less than "normal", Dr. S wanted a follow up SA in 2 more months. So, in June, off we went again. This time was not good. It was bad. There were like maybe 2 sperm in the SA. And, those were dead. They were not forward moving at all. We were crushed. Devestated. Had the surgery not worked after all? Had B scarred back up again? We didn't know what to do, but we knew we couldn't afford to pay for another uncovered surgery. We went to see Dr. S and he was just as upset as us. He said it could be a fluke, it could be an infection, it could be scarring. There's really no way to know. His first line of defense was to do a "drug cocktail" as he put it. It was an anti inflammatory, an antibiotic, and a steroid. B was to take it for 10 days. I made sure he took that stuff like it was his job. It appeared to work. His follow up SA was amazing! His numbers were through the roof fantastic. I cried when I saw the results. It was just so amazing!
He's had to continue to do follow up visits just to make sure nothing else goes wrong. So far, so good.
Next up - my treatments.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Our Infertility Journey - Part 3
I left you guys hanging with good news. Well, the good news was B produces sperm! Hooray!!! That means, that if nothing else, we can do IVF to get pregnant. Dr. S said this was great news. He then said that the next step would be yet another surgery to do an exploration to see if he find what the hold up was and if he could fix it. This seemed like a fairly easy surgery (said the girl not getting her delicate bits hacked into) so we decided to go ahead with scheduling it. Welp, as usual, we hit a road block. If you're following along, it's been one step forward two steps back for us the whole process. Apparently insurance won't cover this procedure as it is coded as a vasectomy reversal and that's optional. Don't you just love how insurance companies look at codes rather than what the actual surgery itself is? Good stuff. So, to have this surgery, it would set us back a mere $6,000. You know, pocket change. No biggie. Except, it's the exact opposite of pocket change and it is a BIGGIE! It's a HUGIE!
So, we decided to just cool off for a bit and decide what to do. During this cooling off period, we went out of town for our first anniversary. We had a great weekend back at the place we got married. One day, we were enjoying afternoon beers on a great outdoor patio and realized we were on the same page. We were exhausted, sad, and just plain worn out. We'd only been married for a year (and, only together for 3 years total at that point) and we were ready to actually enjoy ourselves and our marriage. We decided we were taking some time off!
That, my friends, began the Year of Fun. We traveled, we went out, we just plain enjoyed ourselves. We didn't think about TTC, infertility, sperm, surgeries, anything. Honestly, it was the best thing we could have done. For ourselves and for our marriage. We gained so much perspective during that time. I should also say that suring the YOF all the babies that had been conceived were being born and we just got to enjoy those sweet babies. There was no sadness for myself or any pity parties to be had. Just lots and lots of love for these precious little people coming into our lives. And, my nephew? Oh my gosh, I fel head over heels in love with that kid. All the crap I felt when I first found out that he was coming was just that - crap. He's the best little guy and his Auntie Candy loves him to pieces.
Well, as most things do, the YOF came to an end. It ended up only being the 5 or 6 months of fun really. We started the YOF in May 2011. The following fall, B told me he was ready to start trying again. The baby fever was back and in full force. We discussed it and decided that mentally we were ready to give this whole thing another try.
So, we decided to just cool off for a bit and decide what to do. During this cooling off period, we went out of town for our first anniversary. We had a great weekend back at the place we got married. One day, we were enjoying afternoon beers on a great outdoor patio and realized we were on the same page. We were exhausted, sad, and just plain worn out. We'd only been married for a year (and, only together for 3 years total at that point) and we were ready to actually enjoy ourselves and our marriage. We decided we were taking some time off!
That, my friends, began the Year of Fun. We traveled, we went out, we just plain enjoyed ourselves. We didn't think about TTC, infertility, sperm, surgeries, anything. Honestly, it was the best thing we could have done. For ourselves and for our marriage. We gained so much perspective during that time. I should also say that suring the YOF all the babies that had been conceived were being born and we just got to enjoy those sweet babies. There was no sadness for myself or any pity parties to be had. Just lots and lots of love for these precious little people coming into our lives. And, my nephew? Oh my gosh, I fel head over heels in love with that kid. All the crap I felt when I first found out that he was coming was just that - crap. He's the best little guy and his Auntie Candy loves him to pieces.
Well, as most things do, the YOF came to an end. It ended up only being the 5 or 6 months of fun really. We started the YOF in May 2011. The following fall, B told me he was ready to start trying again. The baby fever was back and in full force. We discussed it and decided that mentally we were ready to give this whole thing another try.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Our Infertility Journey - Pt. 3
So, when we last left off (before I clued you all in to what a jerk I can be), I had been referred to a specialist. There are a lot of terms for a "fertility doctor, but the official term is Reproductive Endocrinologist, or RE. I was referred to a local practice, Carolina Conceptions. There are two in my city and this is just the one that my GYN at the time (I've since switched for geographical reasons) worked with. Thank goodness. From the get go, they were amazing to work with. I called and was able to get an appointment much sooner than I thought. I'm not really clear on the timing anymore, but I think I called in December 2010 and was able to get seen in mid January 2011. Since I wasn't referred to a specific doctor, they put me with the first available doctor, Dr. Meyer. I can not say enough good things about Dr. M. He's amazing. He's reassuring, knowledgeable, funny, and will tell you exactly what's going on without sugar coating it but also without being harsh. I went to the appointment (B couldn't go, he'd just started a new job) armed with a list of questions. Dr. M actually answered most of them in our conversation without me even having to ask. We discussed options, testing, and next steps. Since I had already tried oral meds, we decided to go with injectable ones next. Possibly paired with timed interourse or possibly paired with intrauterine insemination (IUI). But, before we even got there, we had some more tests to do. First up, we tested my AMA, basically my ovarian reserve. That was a simple blood test we were able to do that day. Again with the bloodwork without me being able to metally prepare! Then, we scheduled a HSG, where they injected a dye into my utereus and fallopian tubes and x-rayed them to make sure there were no blockages. We were able to get that scheduled super quick. We also scheduled a semen analysis (SA) for B. He was not too excited about that test, let me tell you. But, spoiler alert, he'd learn to get used to them.
My AMA came back really high. I was so unbelievably excited to get that result. I was terrified that I would have none. That level isn't really a bad thing. And, it's honestly to be expected. Since I don't ovulate on my own, I had basically been hoarding my eggs for 27 years. A normal woman that age's level should be around 10. Mine was 22. Super high. This will come in handy if we ever had to do IVF. Lots o' eggs, lots o' chances for success. My HSG was also good. Blissfully, perfectly normal. When dealing with infertility, normal is always a good thing. No blockages, no nothing. Up next was B's SA. Thankfully, it didn't play out like on TV. There was no gross room at the doctor's office filled with porn. He just did his thing at home and took it in to the office. Those results were not good. They were not good at all. There were no sperm in the sample. Not one. Not even one with two head or anything. I was devestated. B is one of those guys who was meant to be a dad. There was no way he couldn't be one. We were so sad. Dr. M immediately referred us to a urologist, Dr. Shaban. Yet another life saver.
Dr. S immediately scheduled another SA to make sure the first one wasn't a fluke. It wasn't. The second one was just as bad. Luckily, we had options. He suggested we do a testicular biopsy to check to see if B even produces sperm. This would be a simple outpatient surgery and we could take him home that day. While in there, he suggested we also harvest some testicular tissue to use incase we had to do IVF. We opted not to do that. We just weren't ready to make that leap. This was all happening so fast, but in a good way. The surgery took place in March of 2011. So, just 2 months after my first meeting with Dr. M.
The surgery went well, and we had some good news. Stay tuned!
My AMA came back really high. I was so unbelievably excited to get that result. I was terrified that I would have none. That level isn't really a bad thing. And, it's honestly to be expected. Since I don't ovulate on my own, I had basically been hoarding my eggs for 27 years. A normal woman that age's level should be around 10. Mine was 22. Super high. This will come in handy if we ever had to do IVF. Lots o' eggs, lots o' chances for success. My HSG was also good. Blissfully, perfectly normal. When dealing with infertility, normal is always a good thing. No blockages, no nothing. Up next was B's SA. Thankfully, it didn't play out like on TV. There was no gross room at the doctor's office filled with porn. He just did his thing at home and took it in to the office. Those results were not good. They were not good at all. There were no sperm in the sample. Not one. Not even one with two head or anything. I was devestated. B is one of those guys who was meant to be a dad. There was no way he couldn't be one. We were so sad. Dr. M immediately referred us to a urologist, Dr. Shaban. Yet another life saver.
Dr. S immediately scheduled another SA to make sure the first one wasn't a fluke. It wasn't. The second one was just as bad. Luckily, we had options. He suggested we do a testicular biopsy to check to see if B even produces sperm. This would be a simple outpatient surgery and we could take him home that day. While in there, he suggested we also harvest some testicular tissue to use incase we had to do IVF. We opted not to do that. We just weren't ready to make that leap. This was all happening so fast, but in a good way. The surgery took place in March of 2011. So, just 2 months after my first meeting with Dr. M.
The surgery went well, and we had some good news. Stay tuned!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Our Infertility Journey Pt. 2
Ok, so in the interest of keeping it real, I'm going to paint myself in a very unflattering light in this post. Why? Because during the 3 failed rounds of oral meds and waiting to see my new (and super fabulous) RE, shit sort of hit the fan. During that time, we purchased our first house and dealt with all the ups and downs that come with that. Being all hopped up on artificial hormones does not make one deal with stress well. I'm pretty sure that during our walk through the night before our 9 am closing I may have broken down in tears in front of the hubs, my in laws, and the realtor. And that was not my first melt down.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. By now we're in about fall of 2010. In the midst of my ovaries being complete and utter failures, it seems as if everyone around me is getting pregnant. I'm not just talking about distant Facebook friends either. Although, trust me, there were plenty of those as well. But, people who were very close to me in real life. It was either their first try or completely by accient. Each time I got an announcement, it was physically painful for me. (note to those of you who I am referring to - I apologize for being such a selfish jerk. Thank you for putting up with me. Love you!) The first phone call I got at work. I knew this friend was testing that day. We had actually tried to get pregnant together and I had a bit of a head start on her. I knew it was coming and I knew when she called that it was going to be positive. I was able to keep it together long enough to get through the phone call (I hope). But, after, I had to go to the bathroom and cry and cry and cry. Don't get me wrong, I was SO happy for my friend. But, at the time, I was so sad for myself. And so jealous. It was so easy for them and hard for us. Then, a month or so later, I get another phone call from another friend. She tells me she has this boyfriend that she's crazy about. Since we live far away, I wasn't even really aware she had said boyfriend. Then she tells me she's pregnant. She and I have been friends for years, so even if I had tried to hide my crying from her, she would have known. So, I cried openly. Again, I was so happy for her. But, all those feelings about me came back. And, God love her, she actually apologized to me! She said she knew we were trying so hard and she's so sorry. I told her don't be ridiculous. It's not like she got pregnant to piss me off or anything crazy like that. So, on top of feeling sad and jealous and guilty, I felt even more guilt. Guilt on guilt on guilt. To this point, I had been lucky. I had gotten the announcements over phone and was able to cry while attempting to hide it. Shortly after this announcement, I got a face to face one. We were having a girls night at pregnant friend 1's house and another friend kept dropping stuff. I off handedly made a comment to the effect of "oh, Lord, I bet you're pregnant. You know I have the super power to get everyone pregnant but me, so I bet you are too!" Sure enough, she was. First try. We didn't even know they were trying. Now, since we were face to face, I wasn't able to have my usual bratty, self indulgent pity party. I had a girls night to endure. However, I left as soon as I could and lost it in the car. The next afternoon, I'm driving home from work and my brother calls me. He rarely calls. He said he has something to tell me. I say "don't tell me you're pregnant too! Everyone in my life is pregnant but me!" Yep, you guessed it - he was going to be a daddy. We didn't even know he had a girlfriend. And, being the jerk I am (was), I burst into tears. He ended up comforting me (this was a bit unplanned for him, so I'm sure he needed comfort himself). Again with the guilt on top of guilt on top of guilt. My poor poor brother. About a year or so after that phone call, he had to call me again and tell me they were pregnant yet again (the first kid was only about 5 months old at the time). Again I lost it.
That night (of the first brother pregnancy announcement) was the breaking point for me and for Brandon. I was inconsolable about the latest pregnancy announcement. It really did seem like everyone I knew ever was getting pregnant. And, at the time, it seemed like a personal attack on me. I was even getting upset about celebrity pregnancies! (although, to this day Snooki's pregnancy still pisses me off). It was Christmas time, my favorite time of the year. It was our first married Christmas in our new home. I hadn't even attempted to decorate. I was so deep in my own self pity, I couldn't see past it. Brandon had had enough. He basically told me to pull my head out of my ass and get my shit together. I'm sure he may have said it much nicer, but that was the basic jist of it. It was not a pretty time for me. Or, for our new marriage if you want to know the truth. That little reality check was what I needed. I got out the decorations and put a few up. It was the least I could do for my sweet husband who was probably struggling just as much as I was.
Looking back, and being on the other side (pregnant!) I realize how hard it must have been for all of these people. To have such exciting news but to have to share it with someone they know it's going to hurt. Someone who loves them and should have been able to share their joy and look past their own hurt and jealousy. But, in the moment, all I could see was how this was affecting me and how much it hurt ME to have to go through this. Like I said, this post is definitely going to paint me in an unflattering light. But, if any of you have ever struggled with infertility, you know the pain of having to be so happy for a loved one but still so hurt for yourself.
Honestly, some of those friendships changed after this. Part of it was me pulling away to protect myself. And, I'm sure part of it was them. Who wants to be around someone who can't be as happy for you as they should be. I also think it was hard for them to try to not rub their super duper happy news in my face. It's a hard line to walk. And, being on the other side, I am now finally being able to realize just how tough this may have been on them.
I would like to say though, that after my come to Jesus talk with Brandon, I was able to pull my head out of my own ass and get it together. I threw both local friends their baby showers and went to visit them in the hosptial. I went to TN to be able to go to both showers there and went on a trip there shortly after the births of both kids. And, with each of those things, I was genuinely happy and glad to have been a part of all of it. I love all of those kids so much. Seriously, I sometimes wonder how I'm going to love my own little nugget as much as I love my sweet nephew. Obviously I know I will, but you get the point. :)
Like I said, it was a dark time. Not pretty. And, I still carry some guilt over how I acted. But, at the same time, it is exactly how I felt. And, anyone whose been there too know what it's like. Luckily, the friendships survived. And, Brandon and I were in a better place too. Now that I'm pregnant, I'm much more aware of how to handle the situation with friends who are going through the same thing. I'm even very consious of what I put on Facebook so as not to rub anything in. I know what it's like to go through that and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. By now we're in about fall of 2010. In the midst of my ovaries being complete and utter failures, it seems as if everyone around me is getting pregnant. I'm not just talking about distant Facebook friends either. Although, trust me, there were plenty of those as well. But, people who were very close to me in real life. It was either their first try or completely by accient. Each time I got an announcement, it was physically painful for me. (note to those of you who I am referring to - I apologize for being such a selfish jerk. Thank you for putting up with me. Love you!) The first phone call I got at work. I knew this friend was testing that day. We had actually tried to get pregnant together and I had a bit of a head start on her. I knew it was coming and I knew when she called that it was going to be positive. I was able to keep it together long enough to get through the phone call (I hope). But, after, I had to go to the bathroom and cry and cry and cry. Don't get me wrong, I was SO happy for my friend. But, at the time, I was so sad for myself. And so jealous. It was so easy for them and hard for us. Then, a month or so later, I get another phone call from another friend. She tells me she has this boyfriend that she's crazy about. Since we live far away, I wasn't even really aware she had said boyfriend. Then she tells me she's pregnant. She and I have been friends for years, so even if I had tried to hide my crying from her, she would have known. So, I cried openly. Again, I was so happy for her. But, all those feelings about me came back. And, God love her, she actually apologized to me! She said she knew we were trying so hard and she's so sorry. I told her don't be ridiculous. It's not like she got pregnant to piss me off or anything crazy like that. So, on top of feeling sad and jealous and guilty, I felt even more guilt. Guilt on guilt on guilt. To this point, I had been lucky. I had gotten the announcements over phone and was able to cry while attempting to hide it. Shortly after this announcement, I got a face to face one. We were having a girls night at pregnant friend 1's house and another friend kept dropping stuff. I off handedly made a comment to the effect of "oh, Lord, I bet you're pregnant. You know I have the super power to get everyone pregnant but me, so I bet you are too!" Sure enough, she was. First try. We didn't even know they were trying. Now, since we were face to face, I wasn't able to have my usual bratty, self indulgent pity party. I had a girls night to endure. However, I left as soon as I could and lost it in the car. The next afternoon, I'm driving home from work and my brother calls me. He rarely calls. He said he has something to tell me. I say "don't tell me you're pregnant too! Everyone in my life is pregnant but me!" Yep, you guessed it - he was going to be a daddy. We didn't even know he had a girlfriend. And, being the jerk I am (was), I burst into tears. He ended up comforting me (this was a bit unplanned for him, so I'm sure he needed comfort himself). Again with the guilt on top of guilt on top of guilt. My poor poor brother. About a year or so after that phone call, he had to call me again and tell me they were pregnant yet again (the first kid was only about 5 months old at the time). Again I lost it.
That night (of the first brother pregnancy announcement) was the breaking point for me and for Brandon. I was inconsolable about the latest pregnancy announcement. It really did seem like everyone I knew ever was getting pregnant. And, at the time, it seemed like a personal attack on me. I was even getting upset about celebrity pregnancies! (although, to this day Snooki's pregnancy still pisses me off). It was Christmas time, my favorite time of the year. It was our first married Christmas in our new home. I hadn't even attempted to decorate. I was so deep in my own self pity, I couldn't see past it. Brandon had had enough. He basically told me to pull my head out of my ass and get my shit together. I'm sure he may have said it much nicer, but that was the basic jist of it. It was not a pretty time for me. Or, for our new marriage if you want to know the truth. That little reality check was what I needed. I got out the decorations and put a few up. It was the least I could do for my sweet husband who was probably struggling just as much as I was.
Looking back, and being on the other side (pregnant!) I realize how hard it must have been for all of these people. To have such exciting news but to have to share it with someone they know it's going to hurt. Someone who loves them and should have been able to share their joy and look past their own hurt and jealousy. But, in the moment, all I could see was how this was affecting me and how much it hurt ME to have to go through this. Like I said, this post is definitely going to paint me in an unflattering light. But, if any of you have ever struggled with infertility, you know the pain of having to be so happy for a loved one but still so hurt for yourself.
Honestly, some of those friendships changed after this. Part of it was me pulling away to protect myself. And, I'm sure part of it was them. Who wants to be around someone who can't be as happy for you as they should be. I also think it was hard for them to try to not rub their super duper happy news in my face. It's a hard line to walk. And, being on the other side, I am now finally being able to realize just how tough this may have been on them.
I would like to say though, that after my come to Jesus talk with Brandon, I was able to pull my head out of my own ass and get it together. I threw both local friends their baby showers and went to visit them in the hosptial. I went to TN to be able to go to both showers there and went on a trip there shortly after the births of both kids. And, with each of those things, I was genuinely happy and glad to have been a part of all of it. I love all of those kids so much. Seriously, I sometimes wonder how I'm going to love my own little nugget as much as I love my sweet nephew. Obviously I know I will, but you get the point. :)
Like I said, it was a dark time. Not pretty. And, I still carry some guilt over how I acted. But, at the same time, it is exactly how I felt. And, anyone whose been there too know what it's like. Luckily, the friendships survived. And, Brandon and I were in a better place too. Now that I'm pregnant, I'm much more aware of how to handle the situation with friends who are going through the same thing. I'm even very consious of what I put on Facebook so as not to rub anything in. I know what it's like to go through that and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Our infertility journey - part 1
We had a long hard road to get to where we are today. Pregnancy wise anyway. So, this is the first in a multiple part series. How many parts, I'm not sure. Let's just see where this takes us, shall we?
It all started back in December of 2009. I went in for my annual GYN visit and discussed trying to conceive (or TTC as it will be known from here on out). I've always had irregular to no cycle, so I knew it would be difficult for us. I was on birth control at the time and my doctor and I decided to take me off of it to see what my body would. Fast forward 7 months and a wedding (which was awesome, by the way!) later, and I still had not had a period. Clearly I was not 7 months preggo. Something was up. I went it and she did some blood work. (Which, by the way I was not prepared mentally for and would have appreciated a heads up! I hated needles!) We scheduled a follow up appointment to do follow up blood work after I had been able to fast. All of it came back and pretty much everything was normal. The only thing out of wack was a slightly elevated testosterone level. My mom thought this was particularly hilarious as I'm a super girly girl. Haha mom. So, based on that and my other symptoms, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (aka: PCOS). I was put on Metformin to regulate the insulin resistance I don't have. This is just a common medicine that most, if not all, PCOS patients are put on. It was decided that I'd take Provera to kick start a cycle and then on days 3-7 I'd take Femara to make me ovulate. On day 21 I'd come in for bloodwork to see if I did actually ovulate. On day 21, I went in. That afternoon they called me with the results. It was low. Like a level less than 1. I'm pretty sure my bitchy little ovaries were laughing at me. Like "really, dummy, you think a few pills will make us get off our lazy butt and do our job after almost 27 years of not doing anything?!". The best part of this, is they look for a level of near 10. Oh, by the way, they're testing my progesterone. So, clearly, round 1 was an epic failure. Good stuff.
So, the next month we tried a higher dose of Femara. If I remember correctly, my level went down. Damn those bitchy ovaries. I remember B trying to comfort me and saying that maybe the meds were like Weight Watcher points. That how 1 of something is only 2 points, but if you have 2 of the same thing the point value goes up to like 5 or something. God love him and his optimism. It got me through this whole mess.
Cycle 3 we tried the highest dose of Clomid. Clomid is supposed to be the wonder drug. There are countless stories of girls who get knocked up their first time on Clomid. I, however, was not one of those lucky ladies. My level did go up, but I was still under one. At this point my doctor told me I was a hopeless case and I should just give up. Ok, not really. But, she did refer me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) since there was only so much she, as a gynecologist, could do. Thank God for that referal.
I'll leave it at that. Stay tuned for part 2!
It all started back in December of 2009. I went in for my annual GYN visit and discussed trying to conceive (or TTC as it will be known from here on out). I've always had irregular to no cycle, so I knew it would be difficult for us. I was on birth control at the time and my doctor and I decided to take me off of it to see what my body would. Fast forward 7 months and a wedding (which was awesome, by the way!) later, and I still had not had a period. Clearly I was not 7 months preggo. Something was up. I went it and she did some blood work. (Which, by the way I was not prepared mentally for and would have appreciated a heads up! I hated needles!) We scheduled a follow up appointment to do follow up blood work after I had been able to fast. All of it came back and pretty much everything was normal. The only thing out of wack was a slightly elevated testosterone level. My mom thought this was particularly hilarious as I'm a super girly girl. Haha mom. So, based on that and my other symptoms, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (aka: PCOS). I was put on Metformin to regulate the insulin resistance I don't have. This is just a common medicine that most, if not all, PCOS patients are put on. It was decided that I'd take Provera to kick start a cycle and then on days 3-7 I'd take Femara to make me ovulate. On day 21 I'd come in for bloodwork to see if I did actually ovulate. On day 21, I went in. That afternoon they called me with the results. It was low. Like a level less than 1. I'm pretty sure my bitchy little ovaries were laughing at me. Like "really, dummy, you think a few pills will make us get off our lazy butt and do our job after almost 27 years of not doing anything?!". The best part of this, is they look for a level of near 10. Oh, by the way, they're testing my progesterone. So, clearly, round 1 was an epic failure. Good stuff.
So, the next month we tried a higher dose of Femara. If I remember correctly, my level went down. Damn those bitchy ovaries. I remember B trying to comfort me and saying that maybe the meds were like Weight Watcher points. That how 1 of something is only 2 points, but if you have 2 of the same thing the point value goes up to like 5 or something. God love him and his optimism. It got me through this whole mess.
Cycle 3 we tried the highest dose of Clomid. Clomid is supposed to be the wonder drug. There are countless stories of girls who get knocked up their first time on Clomid. I, however, was not one of those lucky ladies. My level did go up, but I was still under one. At this point my doctor told me I was a hopeless case and I should just give up. Ok, not really. But, she did refer me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) since there was only so much she, as a gynecologist, could do. Thank God for that referal.
I'll leave it at that. Stay tuned for part 2!
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