On being "formerly infertile"

Hey hey, it turned out to be a two post day after all.

As you all know, the hubs and I suffered from infertility before we became pregnant.  Even though we're now parents to the cutest boy that has ever lived, I still compeltely consider myself to be infertile.  On two seperate occations this week I've seen discussions of going from infertile to fertile.    My internet pal Aly wrote a great post today about the same topic.  I also came across an article via resolve.org Twitter about becoming fertile after dealing with infertility.  But, for me, I don't know that I will ever be able to make that jump.

Infertility changed me to my core.  It was the hardest thing that I have ever been through and I really feel that it changed me as a person.  It made me realize that with patience and determination, I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I ever realized.  However, along with the positive, it also changed me in some negative ways too.  It will forever be hard for me to hear a pregnancy announcement.  I will forever feel a stab of jealousy when someone gets pregnant without a thought or an ounce of effort.  I will always be angry when someone takes this amazing gift for granted (myself included as I was not above bitching about the negative aspects of pregnancy).  I wish it were different, but, at least for now, it's not.  We tried so hard and so long and spent so much money, that I feel I will always have that initial reaction to an announcement.

A good friend of mine recently told me she was pregnant.  She had unprotected sex one time with her husband.  One time.  That was all it took. And while I'm very excited for her, it still took me a moment to get there.  I hate this hardened piece of myself.  But, for now, it's there.  It's not all consuming like it once was.  But, I fear it will always be there.

Please don't get me wrong.  I know how unbelieveably blessed we are to have our little guy. And I fully and completely believe that we went through everything we did because HE was meant to be ours and was meant to be ours in the exact way and time he became ours.  I would go throught it all a million more times to have my son.  I also believe that going through all that will make me a better mother.  Not that other mothers who got pregnant easily are bad, not at all.  All mothers are the best they can be. (Girl power and all that!)  But, I think that I am always a little more cognisant of how lucky I am to be a mother and I try not to take that fact for granted.

And, since you guys put up with two rather heavy wordy posts today, here's a picture of said cutest boy that ever lived!

On being a pseudo single mom...

Some notes before I dive in:

1. this may be a double post kind of day.  Who knows, you all may get lucky!

2.  I'm in an awful mood and this post kind of is the product of said awful mood.  Awesome.

So, as I've mentioned, the hubs started a new job right around the time the nugget was born.  In fact his last day at his previous job was the day I went into the hospital to be induced.  When he interviewed for the new job, we knew it would involve some travel.  That was a big concern of mine, what with a new baby on the way.  He was told it'd be like 4 or 5 days a month.  That seemed doable.  Well, fast forward and it's turning out to be a lot more.  For instance, he left on Saturday and won't be home until this Sunday.  Well, barring the few hours he was home on Monday.  He loves his job, so I hate to complain too much.  He hasn't had a job he's loved like this in all the time I've known him.  And he's good at it.  But, it's so hard on me.

We have a great schedule when he's here.  I get the baby out of bed and change him and grab a few quick cuddles.  Then B takes over for the morning.  I then pick up the baby from daycare on my way home from work and we tag team him all evening.  Then, I do bed and bath b/c I just love that time and I don't want to share.  But, with B gone the whole schedule gets messed up and all the responsiblity falls on me.  I know that I signed up for this when I became a parent.  However, that doesn't mean that I can't still get frustrated by it.

Here's where the whining comes in.  B's job is the regional rep for a brewery.  Which means he sells beer and spirits for a living and could almost be referred to as a professional drinker.  He's very passionate about beer and is super knowledgeable about it.  Where some people can pick out what grape is used in wine, he can pick out what hop is used in a beer.  However, when he's off traveling for work, that often involves nights out at bars and what not.  In fact, his upcoming trip includes camping and white water rafting.  So, while I'm at home taking care of the baby and the dogs, he's out having fun in the name of "work". That's the frustrating part.  I know it's selfish, but it would be a little easier to swallow if here were holed up in a hotel room or something.  But, not only is he gone, but he's having a great time in the process while I'm holed up at home taking care of a baby.  I know that being gone from us isn't a walk in the park for him.  He misses us when he's gone and I know it can't be easy being away so frequently.  But, still, it sucks for me.  And, since this is my blog, I get to make it all about me!

The reason for the pissy mood and  venty post is b/c this morning the shit hit the fan.  While I was getting H up and chaning him, one of our dogs peed in our bed.  Yes, peed.  And we have a huge king size mattress that I can't move on my own.  ANd, since our dogs are spoiled, they like to lay near the pillows when we're not in bed, meaning the pee spot is right near where I'd lay my head.  So, now I have to either sleep on the couch or in the guest room for the next several nights while B is still gone.  So, after I get that cleaned up, the baby proceedes to spit up all over his lap and mine. We're both already dressed for the day.  What do I do?  Just wipe us both down with a wet rag and hope that I don't spend my day at work reeking of spit up.  Then, after the spit up incident, he proceeds to cry for the next15 minutes while I try to finish getting everything ready to go.  Then, our older dog, who is blind and senile and afraid of life, decides that "kennel up" must sound like "go lay on your bed".  So, while quickly losing my shit, I'm trying to wrangle a scared dog out of the corner with my foot since I'm terrified to pick him up b/c he's been known to bite when freaked out.  So, yeah, it's been a rough morning.  Days like this make me not care how much B loves his job and how good he is at it.  It makes me just want to pitch a fit and guilt him into taking a regular 9 to 5 desk job.  But, I won't. Ugh.

Ok, end rant.  Maybe.

3 Months

This picture sums him up right now - hands in mouth, feet kicking

 Oh my sweet little nugget boy, how are you already 3 months old?!  Where have the last 13 weeks gone?

My peditrician's office only does well baby visits when it's time for shots, so I don't know how much he weighs or how long he is this month.  But, I can definitely tell he's growing!

Just look at the difference!

His little personality is really starting to show through.  He smiles a lot and is getting to be pretty easy going.  I'm SO glad to see this.  I was really starting to think I have a fussy kid.  But, he's starting to get his act together and be a happy smiley little dude.



Teeny little glimpse of a smile...



Big huge smiles!



Things he loves:

Being outside.  He could seriously be screaming bloody murder and all we have to do is step out on the porch and he quiets right down.  He did NOT get this trait from his mama...

Baths.  I could spend all day with this kid during bath time.  He loves it.  He's discovering his feet and legs and just splashes them all around.  So stinking cute!

The car.  He is almost always perfectly content in the car.  Last week on the way home from the sitter, I caught him grinning at his reflection in the mirror we have above his carseat.  My heart melted!

Snuggles.  He loves to snuggle and nap on us.  I'm trying to break him of this for the sake of the sitter, but he's just so dang snuggly that I usually end up giving in.  Hey, it's my rule so I can break it!

Things he hates:

Burping.  For some reason in the past 2 weeks or so, he has decided that he hates burping and will scream and arch his back while we try to burp him.  I've started putting his paci in his mouth and that usually works.

Lotioning up after a bath.  I swear, you'd think I was rubbing  hot acid on him rather than yummy smelling lotion!

Other things of note:

He rolled over for the first time yesterday!!! I was in his room putting away hand me downs from our trip...a month ago... and he was getting fussy in his bouncy chair, so I put him on the floor for tummy time.  He pushed himself up and just rolled right over!  He's always been really good at holding his head up and pushing up during tummy time.  He even rolled over a few times at like 3 weeks.  But this was the real thing!

Tummy Time champ!



The sleep thing is still going well.  Naps are done in the crib when he's at home.  At night he goes right down.  He has kept up the spit the paci out game.  But, last night, I tried giving him a bed time bottle.  We usually feed him 5 oz every 3 hours, with his last one being at like 6:30 or so.  Since bed time is 8, I usually just put him to bed.  But, twice this past weekend I heard about the bed time bottle, so I thought I'd try my hand at it and gave him 2 oz.  Slept like a champ!  Only one round of spit the paci and that was at 5:45 so I was already awake!

To my sweet boy:

I love you so much that I can't even stand it.  Sometimes I just look at you and get tears in my eyes because I just can't believe that you're mine.  You are worth every single thing we went through to get to you.

I love you-

Mama



Father's Day Weekend at the Lake

We are fortunate that B's parents have a lake house about an hour and a half from our house.  We take advantage of it as often as we can.  I was honestly a little apprehensive about how often we'd be able to go this summer with such a teeny little human.  But, it went really well.

We woke up on Saturday morning, fed the nugget, and hit the road.  Our best friends were meeting us up there.  This was the first time that we drove anywhere with the baby in the back seat with the dogs.  Thankfully it was a success!  Aside from trying to steal Sophie the Giraffe away from him when I was squeeking it at him (so, kind of my fault), they rarely even bothered him.

Once we got there and unloaded the cars (side note: um, holy crap, traveling with an infant is NO JOKE.  We weren't even gone 48 hours and had 3 bags and the pack n play.  THREE BAGS FOR OVERNIGHT!), we got settled and the baby fed again, and then we went down and hung out on the dock.  We had a teeny little baby pool for the baby to chill out in.  At first he didn't like it, but once it got heated by the sun a bit more, he really enjoyed himself.  He did not, however, enjoy the boat ride.  I'm not sure what it was about it, but he screamed every time the boat was in motion.  Poor little boo boo.

Hanging at the pool with his daddy

I was a little worried how the whole nap thing would go.  We're just now getting a handle on actual naps.  And I was afraid that being out of town and not really on a set schedule would mean disaster.  But, he was a champ.  He napped pretty decently all weekend.  And, once on the dock, he fell asleep in my arms.  Since I'm trying to nix that as much as humanly possible, we just made him a little pallate on a table (we were right there the whole entire time and he doesn't roll yet).  I laid him down and he slept for 45 minutes.  Napping win!  Shortly after this nap was over, he smiled the biggest smile when he saw me.  It was the first time he's smiled when recognizing me.  B and I both got a little misty eyed.

Yesterday, we celebrated B's first Father's Day.  We were awakened by a sweet little smiling baby.  He was all smiles for a good while first thing.  I think we even heard the beginnings of a laugh!!!  So, naturally, now we're on LaughWatch2013.  I made everyone breakfast.  If you know me, you know that this is almost laughable.  However, I made the world's easiest breakfast ever (crescent rolls, cream cheese, sausage, that's it!) , so it was really no big deal.  Then we just sort of hung out and were lazy all day.  The boys watched the US Open and the first game of the College World Series (Go Wolfpack!). 

We refer to B as Papa, so this was a little surprise for the day

Melts my heart



All in all it was a great weekend! 

Oh, and also, this is the most hilarious pic of the baby to date...

Channeling Burt Reynolds, circa 1985

5 on Friday

 

 

 

So, I'm doin a new 5 on Friday type of posting.  I did a few when I first started, but this one links to other bloggers.  I think.  I may have done it wrong.  I'm not exactly what you'd call tech savvy.  Here are the five highlights of the week.  Hooray!

 

1. We're taking the nugget on his first trip to the lake this weekend.  B's parents have a lake house about an hour and a half away, so we're taking a little weekend getaway with the bambino and two friends.

 

2. We started with our new babysitter yesterday.  Already we love her.  She sent pictures throughout the day and was very involved with him.  She'd ask questions to make sure everything went smoothly for her.  Day one and we already like her much better than the other person.

3.  Sleep is still going really well!  He has decided to pick back up his game of spit the paci out in the morning.  But, the good part about him being further away is that B now has to participate in the game.  Score one for mommy!

4. This picture of my sweet boys' feet just makes my heart smile.  B gets to celebrate his first Father's Day this weekend.  I'll come back on Monday with a post about all that.

5.  We had some great weather this week after a lot of rain.  We were able to sit on our back deck and grill out. We had steak, asparagus, and rosemary grilled potatoes.  We have a picture of it, but I look like Jabba the Hut, so I will refrain from putting it on the internet...

Hope you all have a great weekend!!

 

On Social Media

I spent a good chunk of my day yesterday messing around with this here blog trying to change the look of it.  I also decided to add some social media links to the side bar.  Yes, I added my twitter link although I rarely rarely tweet.  Check me out!

I was going to add my Instagram feed as well.  But, in order to do that you have to make your profile public.  My IG feed is jam packed with pics of my little boo boo.  I'm just not sure how I feel about anyone and everyone being able to access those pics.  Yes, I know this is a public blog, and the same rule should apply here.  However, very few people actually read this little piece of the internet.  So, I'm ok sharing with you, my virtual pals.  So, in that vein, I thought I'd just share my IG handle here and if you're interested in follwing me, send me a request.  I'll be sure to add you!  You know, if I know who you are :)  I'm candacerwatts on IG.  Come visit!

And, since I prefer blog posts with pictures, here's a shot of some hydrangeas from our garden.  It's been raining like crazy here in NC for the better part of a week, so our hydrangea bush has gone bananas.  The blooms are mostly blue this year, which is not my favorite.  So, what did I do?  I clipped all the purpley pinkey ones for the house!

Sleeeeeeep

Let's talk about sleep, shall we?  Let me start off by saying that I struck the jack pot and my little dude has always been a good sleeper (knock on wood).  When we were trying to breast feed, I had to wake him up to feed him.  He started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks. 

Well, last night, we finally attempted to let him sleep in his own crib in his room and it was a success!!  I put him down at like 8:30 and he slept until a little after 6.  And I think that was only b/c he heard me yelling at B about the toilet overflowing.  Or perhaps because it was almost 10 hours and that little nugget was starving.  I'll go with the former in hopes of longer stretches (this momma likes her sleep!).

So, I thought I'd pass along some tips of what worked for us and what I'm crediting one night's success to.  Yes, after only one 11 week old child and 1 night of good sleep, I am an expert. 

We started him off in the Rock N Play sleeper.  This thing is ah-mazing.  It's inclined and all snug, so the little nugget felt very secure in there.  We also used a wearable swaddle blanket.  We initially started out with a swaddle pod, but he always ended up getting his crazy arms out of it by the morning, so we figured he didn't like to be swaddled.  We actually went several weeks without anything and he did ok.  But, once we did the swaddle blanket, we were really in business.  At about 7 weeks, we decided to start transitioning him to his pack n play to begin the transition to his crib in his room.  This would allow him to get used to an open space while still being in our room.  Since he was sleeping through the night pretty good, we figured it was a good time.  We kind of stalled out at this point.  He got the chicken pox so we put him back in the rock n play so he'd be snuggly and comforted.  Then, he had some nights when we were figuring out the formula thing where he'd spit up in the middle of the night and make these god awful choking noises and scare us to death.  So, we put him back in the rock n play since it's at an incline.  He also would play this super fun game where starting at about 3 or 4 am, he'd spit out his paci and fuss and cry until I put it back in.  I was hoping he'd quit this before we put him upstairs.  The only reason for this is because his room is upstairs and ours is down and I'm far too lazy to walk up and down the stairs every 20 minutes to put the dang paci back in his mouth.

I am in a local mom's group on Facebook and a mom had asked for tips on how to transition her baby who is about the same age as H.  One tip I read was to start doing the bedtime routine in their room so they'd be used to it.  This made total sense.  He's rarely in his room.  In fact, the only time he ever was was when I was lotioning him up after his bath.  And, he hates that part.  So, the only association he had with that room was a negative one!  So, for a few nights, I'd do the routine in his room.  I'd put his jammies on in there, give him his bottle, read him a book, and rock him till he was sleepy but not asleep. Then we'd go downstairs to our room and put him in his pack n play.  I'd dim the lights (well, only turn on the lamp) and play some soft music (the Twinkle Twinkle Little Rock Star Pandora station.  Look into it.  Last night I heard a lullaby version of Hey Ya.  Amazing).  He seemed to really respond to this routine.



Clearly he liked it.  He was falling asleep and grinning like crazy


Then, this past weekend, I had a realization.  When we put him to bed in our room at like 8 or so, he'd sleep so soundly.  It was when we came in to sleep that he started to stir and play his super fun game.  So, I thought why not try to see how he'd do in a room by himself.  Maybe it was us that was making him sleep less soundly.  I also realized that while he'd been in his room he'd never even napped in his crib.  So, I started letting him nap in there so he'd get used to it.  Once I felt confident in this, I decided to give it a try last night.  Bam - SUCCESS!


Ignore the apprehensive face - he liked it!

I went into it hoping it'd work, but prepared for it to not. Hopefully he will keep it up! 

Some notes - I feel the swaddle thing is clutch here.  It keeps his super crazy arms contained.  And the giraffe crotch you notice behind him belongs to the gentle sounds giraffe which has an awesome white noise setting that he responds to really well.