Hey hey, it turned out to be a two post day after all.
As you all know, the hubs and I suffered from infertility before we became pregnant. Even though we're now parents to the cutest boy that has ever lived, I still compeltely consider myself to be infertile. On two seperate occations this week I've seen discussions of going from infertile to fertile. My internet pal Aly wrote a great post today about the same topic. I also came across an article via resolve.org Twitter about becoming fertile after dealing with infertility. But, for me, I don't know that I will ever be able to make that jump.
Infertility changed me to my core. It was the hardest thing that I have ever been through and I really feel that it changed me as a person. It made me realize that with patience and determination, I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I ever realized. However, along with the positive, it also changed me in some negative ways too. It will forever be hard for me to hear a pregnancy announcement. I will forever feel a stab of jealousy when someone gets pregnant without a thought or an ounce of effort. I will always be angry when someone takes this amazing gift for granted (myself included as I was not above bitching about the negative aspects of pregnancy). I wish it were different, but, at least for now, it's not. We tried so hard and so long and spent so much money, that I feel I will always have that initial reaction to an announcement.
A good friend of mine recently told me she was pregnant. She had unprotected sex one time with her husband. One time. That was all it took. And while I'm very excited for her, it still took me a moment to get there. I hate this hardened piece of myself. But, for now, it's there. It's not all consuming like it once was. But, I fear it will always be there.
Please don't get me wrong. I know how unbelieveably blessed we are to have our little guy. And I fully and completely believe that we went through everything we did because HE was meant to be ours and was meant to be ours in the exact way and time he became ours. I would go throught it all a million more times to have my son. I also believe that going through all that will make me a better mother. Not that other mothers who got pregnant easily are bad, not at all. All mothers are the best they can be. (Girl power and all that!) But, I think that I am always a little more cognisant of how lucky I am to be a mother and I try not to take that fact for granted.
And, since you guys put up with two rather heavy wordy posts today, here's a picture of said cutest boy that ever lived!