Holding my breath

As I mentioned in Holt's 4 month update, we had a scare when his head measured much bigger than it had at his 2 month check up.  We went yesterday for his ultrasound and everything checked out perfectly normal.  There is some extra fluid in there, but nothing to be concerned with.  Apparently this is just one of those things that happen.  But, it was terrifying to hear that something could be wrong with my little guy.

Holding his own bottle, such a big boy.  Nothing is wrong with his head!

 

The day we found out that something could potentially be wrong, I was devestated.  The mere thought that there was potential for something to be wrong with my miracle baby shook me to my core.  I was talking to my mom about it and she said something that really struck a cord with me and perfectly described how I felt in that moment.  She said "I feel like I've been holding my breath for you for the past 3 years".  It was so true.  Between all the infertility stuff we fought through.  Then, getting pregnant and having a few scares during my pregnancy (a cyst on his brain, potential gestational diabetes, the preeclampsia).  Once my boy was born, there was a murmer scare that resolved itself.  Once we brought him home there was the weight loss and the jaundice.  It the moment it really felt like that was it.  I'm holding my breath constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But, I realize that maybe, it's not waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Maybe it's a lesson in strength.  My mom always says that I come from "Pioneer Stock" and that I'm strong.  I used to not believe it.  But, if the past 3 years have taught me anything thing, it's that I do have that pioneer spirit.  That I can go through hell and come out the other side stronger.  It's sort of empowering to know that I have this inner strength that I never really knew I had.

A reminder from my mom on the board in my labor & delivery room

I will say that I may have lost a little of my ability to look on the bright side.  After so many disappointments, its easier for me to go into a potentially scary situation (my 4 month old's brain ultrasound for instance) in sort of neutral mode.  If I don't get my hopes up, then it's not as far to fall if something is actually wrong.  I guess that's the definition of "expect the worst but hope for the best".

I suppose this is what parenting is all about.  Holding your breath and expecting the worst but preparing for the best.



4 months!

My sweet little nugget is already 4 months old!  How on earth has this happened?  It's a strange feeling.  I feel like I was just beind admitted to the hospital to have him.  But, at the same time, I feel like he's been with us forever.  Like I can hardly picture a time when he wasn't in my life.

We had his 4 month check up yesterday.  He has gained a few pounds and is at 13 lbs 15.5 oz.  He's in the 30% for weight.  I asked if I should be concerned.  She said no because he is gaining at a rate they want to see.  He's now 25 3/4 inches, in the 79%.  Long and lean.  He screamed and screamed during his shots.  It broke this momma's heart. But, after he was a-ok.  We went home and snuggled on the couch for the rest of the day.

Loves:
Bath time, just being in the water in general, FINALLY Sophie the Giraffe, the turtle that hangs on his car seat handle that plays music, his hands, and as much as I hate to say it - the TV.  He's mesmerized by it.

Hates:
Getting his diaper changed, getting all lotioned up after the bath.

Milestones:
Rolling belly to back AND back to belly.  He's sleeping all night without the paci game more and more frequently.  He wants to sit up so badly, so we have him in his bebe pod a lot.  He's so on the verge of laughing.  He smiles soooo big that we swear a laugh is going to come out, but no dice yet.  It's coming any day now. I can feel it.

He is so happy.  He wakes up grinning at me which totally melts my heart.  He talks all the time.  He comes from 2 very chatty parents, so he comes by it honest.  Now that he's figured out rolling back to belly he doesn't stay on his back long.  Gone are the days where I can leave him on the couch for a quick second while I grab something.

And, now, for some not so happy stuff.  I wasn't sure if I was even going to mention this on the blog.  But, I find writing cathartic, so I'm going to go for it.  At the appointment yesterday they noticed that his head has grown quite a bit.  At his 2 month appointment he was in the 56% and now he's at the 97%. That's a huge jump in only 2 months.  The nurse measured it twice and then our NP measured it again.  She also said that his fontanel is large.  So, to be safe they've referred us to get an ultrasound of his head.  It could be nothing more than a huge growth spurt.  But, it could also be something.  And, if it is, that could mean surgery on my 4 month's old head.  That compeltely freaks me out and devestates me.  I can't even fathom that.  I'm trying to take it little by little.  Just focus on getting through the ultrasound, which is next week.  But, I can't keep from being terrified that it's going to be a worst case scenario.  He is my whole heart and my whole soul.  He has to be ok.

A year ago today...

As I was getting ready for work this morning, my sweet boy was laying on our bed babbling and talking away.  It was the sweetest sound in the world.  A year ago today, my morning was much different.  It was a Monday and it was a big day.  It was the day of our IUI.  Our last effort in conceiving.
The actual procedure was scheduled for 9 am.  But, we had to take B's contribution at 8 so they could wash them up real good and get them ready for their big date with my eggs.  Yes, eggs.  I had 4 that were big enough to release when I did my trigger shot.  We knew we were playing a risky little game, but this was our last shot and it was go big or go home.  After we dropped it off, we went down the street to get some coffee.  Well, coffee for him and water for me.  I was already nervous enough.  I didn't need to be all hopped up on caffeine.  It was kind of a quiet little coffee date.  I think we were both in our own heads about what was about to go down.
We arrived back at the office and were ushered to a room.  I was only used to the ultrasound rooms, so this was a new place for me. It was brighter and had a window.  For some reason, I found comfort in this.  I was told to take off everything from the waist down and lay on the table under the paper that would cover my lady bits.  For some reason I always hid my undies in my purse during these visits.  Clearly B had seen my undies and the person doing the procedure would see far more personal things than my undies, but still.  Small personal privacy victories people.  We had to wait a bit before the nurse came back.  B, always the one to not be serious in a serious situation, asked if he could hop on the table and put his feet up in the stirrups.  Laughing and being goofy with him is just what I needed in that moment.
The whole IUI procedure took less than 15 minutes.  It would have taken less had she not had to switch speculums cause the first one hurt like a mo fo.  That was it.  15 minutes that would change our lives forever.  I laid on the table for about 10 minutes after to let gravity do its thing.  I took the day off work, so when I got home I changed into comfy pants, put a pillow under my hips, and laid on the couch all day long.  A friend told me to visualize the sperm swimming to my eggs.  Me, being ridiculous, ended up singing "Just keep swimming" from Finding Nemo in my head all day.  I guess it's basically the same thing.  One would even say it was the first song I ever sang to my baby.  (That was meant as a joke and now I'm all teary eyed thinking about it.  Good Lord.)
Next I waited for 2 long weeks.  The 2 longest weeks of my life.  But, since you all have met my sweet boy, you know how that turned out!
And, since I haven't posted a pic of my little dude in a while, here's a picture.  My whole heart captured in one picture.

Pet Peeves

So, in a continuation from my fun pin of things I want my kids to know about me turn blog post ideas, today we have a list of 10 pet peeves.  It's been said that I have a short fuse and get annoyed pretty quickly, so I'm pretty sure this list could be longer than just 10 items.  But, in the interest of not making myself look ridiculous, I'll keep it at just 10.  You're welcome.

And, here we go!

1.  Being hot.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who hates this.  This comes on the heels of it being about a million degrees, in the South, and my AC being on the fritz.  So, I've been constantly annoyed for theb better part of two days now...

2. People driving slow in the fast lane.  Listen up people, it's called the fast lane for a reason.  If you were meant to drive 5-10 miles BELOW the speed limit, it would be called the "drive below the speed limit lane".  But, it's not, so quit it.

3. Hearing 2 noises at once.  What I mean by that is when you have both the radio and the TV on or something like that.  It annoys me to no end.

4. People who talk on speaker phone when in a group setting.  This is so inconsiderate!!!  Not everyone wants to be a part of this obviously super important conversation about what you're planning on having for dinner tonight.

5. Lateness.  Listen, it is not hard to be on time for things.  All you have to do is manage your time accordingly!  I have a child and till manage to be on time for almost everything.  Lateness, to me, says that your time is more important than mine.

6. Clutter.  I hate clutter.  Everything has a spot and it everything should be in it's spot.  This affects me daily as my sweet husband is the king of just leaving crap lying around.  Now, I'm insanely stubborn so it's like an old west stand off in my head of who will clean it up first.  In reality, it only bothers me.  He just sees right past it.

7. People who push their ideas and opinions down your throat without bothering to hear your side.  This especially applies to the topics of politics and religion.  Can't we all just live and let live?!

8. People who judge other people's parenting.  No, I don't breastfeed.  Yes, I give my kid a paci. Yes, I vaccinate my kid.  Yes, my kid knows what the TV is.   But, guess what!  He's still alive almost 4 months later, so I'm clearly doing something right.  You parent your way and I'll parent mine.  (ok, I can be a bit guilty of this from time to time.  So I annoy myself.)

9. Repetitive noises.  Like snoring or tapping.  I can only handle a little bit before I lose my shit.  Like I said - short fuse.

10. Douche baggy type people.  I'm sure this one is unversal, so I won't go into why they bug me.  It should be self explanitory.

Wow, this was actually harder than I though.  Clearly it's mainly people that annoy me.  Also, I think I'm now in a very dark mood after going on and on about my pet peeves.  I need a drink.

Oh Baby......weight

I am admittedly one of those people who are either always on a diet or always on the cusp of starting a diet.  I have done weight watchers like 3 times only to never reach my goal weight and always to gain my weight right back and usually more than I started with.  It's annoying and gross.

I was actually doing WW last summer before I got pregnant.  But, I was all hopped up on artificial hormones and they were making me gain weight and WW couldn't even keep up, so I quit.  Then, I got knocked up and started eating like it was no big deal.  I only gained like 35-40 lbs while I was pregnant, so I figured it wouldn't be super hard to lose.  Well, come to find out, if you want to lose the baby weight, you have to stop eating and acting like your pregnant.  Who knew!!!

So, after 3 and a half months of being grossed out by looking at myself in the mirror and not letting my husband see my naked, I decided enough was enough.  The weight isn't going to melt off (damn breastfeeding for not working!) and I'm going to have to get off my lazy (sleep deprived) ass and do something about it.

What did I do?  I joined WW for the fourth time.  I am ususally pretty successful when I'm on it.  It holds me accountable and forces me to eat better.  I tend to be an instant gratification type of person, so it annoys me that you have to lose slowly and the healthy way (blah blah blah...just kidding).  But, it took me 9 months to put this weight off, and it could take 9 months to lose it.

For the record, I have lost about 15 or 20 of the pounds I gained.  So, it's not like I'm starting from scratch.

And, for even more accountability, I'm going to post my goals on this here blog. 

* Get back to pre-baby weight
* Lose about 35 lbs more after that is reached
* Get off my butt and earn some activity points in addition to just eating better
* Not get grossed out by the sight of myself in the mirror (this is mental just as much as the physical act of losing the weight)

All that being said, my little guy was worth each and every pound I gained.  And if I had to stay this same size just to keep him, I would.  He is so so so worth every extra lb and every stretch mark.  But, that doesn't mean that I have to stay this size just to be his momma and I don't plan to.  I hope to take that dedication I had when I was working to get pregnant and apply it to losing this dang weight!

5 for Friday

Happy Friday friends!  While most of the country is off still celebrating our independence, I'm at work.  Stupid banking.  Yes we do get rando holidays off (thanks Colombus!) but have to work the day after all of them.

Aaaaanyway, here's what's been up the past week...



1. Yesterday was (obviously) the 4th of July.  We spent it cleaning our house (me) and doing yardwork (B).  We had some friends over who have a little nugget that's 2 weeks older than H.  So, we had a teeny baby play date.  All was well until there was a moment where all hell broke lose.  The other nugget spit up all over the place, and in the hilarity of that I noticed H had pooped out of his diaper all over the place as well and I stuck my hand in it.  None of us could do anything about either because we were all laughing too darn hard.  Good stuff.

2.  B was back for the whole week!!  Woo hoo!  Monday he decided to stay home with the nugget since he had missed him so bad.  So cute!

3.  The nanny hunt continues.  One was in a suuuuuuuper sketchy neighborhood, on was much too far away.  We have another meeting today.  Fingers crossed she works out.

4.  The sun has finally come out.  I swear, here in NC it's been raining for what seems like forever!  I am sooooooo over the rain!

5.  We're headed off this weekend to spend it with some friends. 

Have a great weekend!

Favorite TV Shows

So, I kind of love TV.  Is that bad to say?  Oh, well, I do. Brandon and I have several shows that we watch together and get totally sucked into. And then there are some that I just watch on my own because they're pretty bad or meant for teenagers and he just won't participate in my ridiculousness.

Mad Men - we were late to the game on this one, but woah.  We love it.  The stories, the costumes, the historical accurateness.  It's amazing.  Although, after this season, I kind of want to punch Don Draper in the throat...

Breaking Bad - this show is intense.  But in the best way possible.  We got into it via Netflix and would stay up till all hours of the night watching because we just could. not. stop.  Also, I kind of have a crush on Jesse Pinkman.  Fun fact, after watching endless hours of this show on end, I have a tendancy to refer to every one as Bitch in a very aggressive tone a la Jesse.  Good stuff.

Parenthood - this show is amazing.  The people are so real on this show.  The past 2 seasons have had us (yes, both of us) in tears more often than not.  If you haven't checked it out yet, it's a must see!

Grey's Anatomy - this one I just can't quit.  I've stuck through all the crap (Izzie having sex with a ghost.  The musical episode) hoping that it returns to it's original glory.  That's yet to happen, but I'm no quitter...

Glee - like I said, ridiculousness.  This show has always been pure fluff, but last season it was just crap.  But, as with Grey's, I just can't quit.

Weeds - I know this one is off the air now, but I just finished it.  So, to me it's still relevant.  This one started off amazing.  You wanted to see what crazy caper Nancy got into.  Then, like most of the shows I watch, it got a bit ridiculous.  But, still so so good.

The Mindy Project - I have a girl crush on Mindy Kaling (go out and buy her book NOW) so when I saw she was getting her own show, I was super excited.  It did not disappoint.  She is very relateable and this show is just too funny.

The New Girl - Have you all seen this show?  It's awesome.  It keeps getting better and better.  Jess and Nick's relationship is so cute to watch.  And who doesn't love Schmidt?  Also, I want a douche bag jar for real life.

The Bachelor/The Bachelorette - I have a group of girls that get together to watch this every season.  It has slowly gotten worse and worse, and yet we still gather to watch.  We always say each season is our last, and yet here we are watching Des's "journey" to "love"...

I told you I watch a lot of TV....  But, I'm definitely open to any suggestions!  What shows am I missing?!

Facts

I was perusing Pinterest the other day and came across a pin of "30 things my kids need to know about me".  Well, my kid is 3 months old so the only thing he needs to know about me is if I'm going to feed him on time.  And maybe if I'm going to change his diaper.  He's needs are small for now.  Howerver, around that same time I was also trying to come up with clever blog ideas to avoid this blog becoming a baby-centric blog.  So, this sounded perfect!  That's 30 whole prompts that I wouldn't have thought of otherwise.  Woo hoo!

So, today's prompt is 20 random facts about me.  Here we go...

1.  My favorite colors are pink and grey
2.  I constantly come up with these grand plans of things I want to do, and rarely follow through
3.  I actually follow through on important stuff
4.  I met my husband online when I was 24
5.  My shoe size used to be 8 or 8.5, but my feet got bigger while I was knocked up and am now closer to a size 9
6.  On the up side, my boobs also got bigger!
7.  I've lived in my house for almost 3 years which is the longest I've ever lived anywhere since I moved out of my parent's house
8.  I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up
9.  I'm not sure if I want to have more kids.  I just love my little nugget too much to share that love!
10.  My dog Finn is named after "McVet" Finn from Grey's Anatomy years ago
11.  My dog Hippo is named from the Christmas song "I Want a Hippopatamus for Christmas" (also, if you have never heard that song, look into it!)
12.  I have seen every episode of Sex and the City countless times and can almost quote all of every episode
13.  My favorite movie is Hope Floats
14.  I have awful taste in music
15.  I was a cheerleader in high school and have zero rythm
16.  I'm a horrible speller and I hate that Blogger doesn't underline stuff when it's misspelled like Word does
17.  I feel like I'm constantly going to start a diet next Monday
18.  I never start my diet the following Monday
19.  There is nothing better to me than a weekend that I don't ever have to get out of my yoga pants
20.  My yoga pants have never been to yoga

Whew, talk about random!  I was all over the place there!

Stay tuned for the next prompt of 3 legit fears I have....