Thursday, November 1, 2012

Our Infertility Journey Pt. 2

Ok, so in the interest of keeping it real, I'm going to paint myself in a very unflattering light in this post.  Why?  Because during the 3 failed rounds of oral meds and waiting to see my new (and super fabulous) RE, shit sort of hit the fan.  During that time, we purchased our first house and dealt with all the ups and downs that come with that.  Being all hopped up on artificial hormones does not make one deal with stress well.  I'm pretty sure that during our walk through the night before our 9 am closing I may have broken down in tears in front of the hubs, my in laws, and the realtor.  And that was not my first melt down.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.  By now we're in about fall of 2010.  In the midst of my ovaries being complete and utter failures, it seems as if everyone around me is getting pregnant.  I'm not just talking about distant Facebook friends either.  Although, trust me, there were plenty of those as well.  But, people who were very close to me in real life.  It was either their first try or completely by accient.  Each time I got an announcement, it was physically painful for me. (note to those of you who I am referring to - I apologize for being such a selfish jerk.  Thank you for putting up with me.  Love you!)  The first phone call I got at work.  I knew this friend was testing that day.  We had actually tried to get pregnant together and I had a bit of a head start on her.  I knew it was coming and I knew when she called that it was going to be positive.  I was able to keep it together long enough to get through the phone call (I hope).  But, after, I had to go to the bathroom and cry and cry and cry.  Don't get me wrong, I was SO happy for my friend.  But, at the time, I was so sad for myself.  And so jealous.  It was so easy for them and hard for us.  Then, a month or so later, I get another phone call from another friend.  She tells me she has this boyfriend that she's crazy about.  Since we live far away, I wasn't even really aware she had said boyfriend.  Then she tells me she's pregnant.  She and I have been friends for years, so even if I had tried to hide my crying from her, she would have known. So, I cried openly.  Again, I was so happy for her.  But, all those feelings about me came back.  And, God love her, she actually apologized to me!  She said she knew we were trying so hard and she's so sorry.  I told her don't be ridiculous.  It's not like she got pregnant to piss me off or anything crazy like that.  So, on top of feeling sad and jealous and guilty, I felt even more guilt.  Guilt on guilt on guilt. To this point, I had been lucky.  I had gotten the announcements over phone and was able to cry while attempting to hide it.  Shortly after this announcement, I got a face to face one.  We were having a girls night at pregnant friend 1's house and another friend kept dropping stuff.  I off handedly made a comment to the effect of "oh, Lord, I bet you're pregnant.  You know I have the super power to get everyone pregnant but me, so I bet you are too!"  Sure enough, she was.  First try.  We didn't even know they were trying.  Now, since we were face to face, I wasn't able to have my usual bratty, self indulgent pity party.  I had a girls night to endure.  However, I left as soon as I could and lost it in the car.  The next afternoon, I'm driving home from work and my brother calls me.  He rarely calls.  He said he has something to tell me.  I say "don't tell me you're pregnant too!  Everyone in my life is pregnant but me!"  Yep, you guessed it - he was going to be a daddy.  We didn't even know he had a girlfriend.  And, being the jerk I am (was), I burst into tears.  He ended up comforting me (this was a bit unplanned for him, so I'm sure he needed comfort himself).  Again with the guilt on top of guilt on top of guilt.  My poor poor brother.  About a year or so after that phone call, he had to call me again and tell me they were pregnant yet again (the first kid was only about 5 months old at the time).  Again I lost it.
That night (of the first brother pregnancy announcement) was the breaking point for me and for Brandon.  I was inconsolable about the latest pregnancy announcement.  It really did seem like everyone I knew ever was getting pregnant.  And, at the time, it seemed like a personal attack on me.  I was even getting upset about celebrity pregnancies! (although, to this day Snooki's pregnancy still pisses me off).  It was Christmas time, my favorite time of the year.  It was our first married Christmas in our new home.  I hadn't even attempted to decorate.  I was so deep in my own self pity, I couldn't see past it.  Brandon had had enough.  He basically told me to pull my head out of my ass and get my shit together.  I'm sure he may have said it much nicer, but that was the basic jist of it.  It was not a pretty time for me.  Or, for our new marriage if you want to know the truth.  That little reality check was what I needed.  I got out the decorations and put a few up.  It was the least I could do for my sweet husband who was probably struggling just as much as I was.
Looking back, and being on the other side (pregnant!) I realize how hard it must have been for all of these people.  To have such exciting news but to have to share it with someone they know it's going to hurt.  Someone who loves them and should have been able to share their joy and look past their own hurt and jealousy.  But, in the moment, all I could see was how this was affecting me and how much it hurt ME to have to go through this.  Like I said, this post is definitely going to paint me in an unflattering light.  But, if any of you have ever struggled with infertility, you know the pain of having to be so happy for a loved one but still so hurt for yourself.
Honestly, some of those friendships changed after this. Part of it was me pulling away to protect myself.  And, I'm sure part of it was them.  Who wants to be around someone who can't be as happy for you as they should be.  I also think it was hard for them to try to not rub their super duper happy news in my face.  It's a hard line to walk.  And, being on the other side, I am now finally being able to realize just how tough this may have been on them.
I would like to say though, that after my come to Jesus talk with Brandon, I was able to pull my head out of my own ass and get it together.  I threw both local friends their baby showers and went to visit them in the hosptial.  I went to TN to be able to go to both showers there and went on a trip there shortly after the births of both kids.  And, with each of those things, I was genuinely happy and glad to have been a part of all of it.  I love all of those kids so much.  Seriously, I sometimes wonder how I'm going to love my own little nugget as much as I love my sweet nephew.  Obviously I know I will, but you get the point.  :)
Like I said, it was a dark time.  Not pretty.  And, I still carry some guilt over how I acted.  But, at the same time, it is exactly how I felt.  And, anyone whose been there too know what it's like.  Luckily, the friendships survived.  And, Brandon and I were in a better place too.  Now that I'm pregnant, I'm much more aware of how to handle the situation with friends who are going through the same thing.  I'm even very consious of what I put on Facebook so as not to rub anything in.  I know what it's like to go through that and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

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