7 Months

My sweet little dude is 7 months old already.  7 whole months.  He's now closer to a year than to a newborn.  It's just nuts to me.  I know I say that every month.  But, I still just can't believe how fast it's all passing by.  Wasn't it just yesterday that I was at home on bed rest?  Wasn't it just yesterday that I was holding my sweet teeny little peanut in my arms wondering how my heart wasn't going to burst from loving him so much. Although, for the record, the only thing that's really changed in that scenario is that he's not longer a teeny peanut.  My heart is constantly about to burst from loving him so damn much.  I just can't believe it all is flying by.

We call this his gentleman pose.  Or his ladies man pose.

 

He is growing and changing every day.  It's like all of his milestones are coming fast and furious.  He's mommy's little over acheiver!  He's got such a sweet little personality.  He's happy all the time.  The only time he cries is when he's hungry or tired.  I am so happy about this development since he was so fussy in the early days.  Even our babysitter mentions how different he is and how much fun she has with him now.  We have play time every evening after he eats dinner.  We tickle and talk in funny voices and he giggles and smiles so huge.  Heart. Bursting.

Such a difference. Look how chubby he's gotten!!

 

Loves:
Being mobile (see milestones.  There are a LOT)
His bouncy
Food (little piggy!) - especially fruits and things that are mixed (vs. single flavor items)
Going on walks
Snuggles
Baths.  Always baths.

Monster Jams.  Love them!

He's started crinkling his nose when he smiles

Hates:
You know, not much these days.  Even getting lotioned after his baths don't piss him off anymore.  KNOCK ON WOOD!!!

Milestones:
2 teeth!  If you look super close to the bath picture you can kind of see them.
Crawling
Pulling up - first to knees now to standing.  The crib coudln't be lowered soon enough
He knows what "give me a kiss" means and will lean in and "kiss" you. 
Mastering his pincer grip.  Although getting food to his mouth is another story....
Leaning into or away from a person when he's being held.  It's usually into me and away from someone else and I kind of love it.

Now that he's crawling and pulling up on everything, he's constantly on the go.  He will not sit still for anything.  I keep joking that with my overacheiving-ness and B's penchant for recklessness/adventure we are so screwed witht his kid.  He's hardly even whimpering when he falls over now.  He has even learned to stand on stuff to reach the top of the coffee table at daycare.  He's a little daredevil already!  Also, I feel like 7 months is really young to be able to figure that out.  Apparently not.  I'm not ready for him to be so grown.  But, I absolutely LOVE watching him grow and learn and be curious.  It's like you can actually see him learning and discovering and it's the coolest thing ever.

He did this all by himself.  And hung out for a while just standing there

Sweet little Boo,

I can't tell you how much fun we're having with you.  You are such a curious and adventerous little dude and we're loving every minute of it.  You are so happy all the time and give us the biggest smiles.  One of my favorite things is when you are crawling or have pulled up on something - you look back at me with this big accomplished grin on your face.  It's almost like you're saying "Hey mom, did you see me?!"  You talk all the time and it's the cutest thing to hear.  Sometimes you like to start yelling and it sounds like you're yelling at us for something.  It's hilarious.  You've started to notice the dogs and they could kind of care less.  One day you and Hippo will be BFF though.  I just know it! 

I love you so so so much!
Momma

Weekend happenings...from last weekend...

I'd like to blame my lack of blogging on my super busy life.  And, while that's partly true, I feel like I really don't have a lot of fun stuff to write about.  I don't cook, so no recipes.  We haven't gone anywhere fun.  And we don't do any DIY projects.  BUT, last weekend, we did have some fun!  We had a wedding to go to Saturday afternoon, and we only knew the bride and groom.  So, we decided to make a date night of it!  Sweet little H spent the night with his grandparents and Mommy and Daddy got to go out on the town.  It was so fun!

First up, Friday night.  That wasn't date night.  That was shop for a last minute wedding gift and then have some sushi for dinner night.  We did stop by our favorite bar for a quick drink and for a friend of ours to see H for a bit.  Yes, at a bar.  But, for what it's worth, it was the restaurant part.  And it was still early.  And you can't smoke inside in NC.  Plus, he was looking pretty dang cute that night, so we had to show him off.  Check out his hoodie with ears.  I die.



Can you even stand it?!

 

While we were at Kohl's shopping for the wedding gift, I grabbed a stuffed Snoopy and handed it to H, who grinned so big.  So, naturally he had to have it.  Our nephew G had a stuffed Snoopy when he was little, and he loved that thing.  He called him Noopy.  So, I had to snap a picture of H and his "Noopy" for my BIL and SIL.  Look how proud he looks!

Saturday was the wedding.  It was supposed to be outside, but it was kind of drizzly, so it was under a pavilion.  It was a lovely wedding.  We stuck around long enough for cocktail hour and the free dinner. 



He rarely makes a normal face in a picture



I had to ask nice for this one

 

We got a hotel in downtown for the night.  We went in checked in and seriously considered just crashing and sleeping, uninterrupted, all night.  It was reeeeaaaaalllllyyyyy tempting.  But, we were meeting friends and therefore couldn't be lame.  We went to a few bars and had a great night out with friends.  It was nice to go out and be just us for a while. 

 

Told you...no normal faces from him....





 



One thing I realized though, after a night of being just us, is that the next day you still have to be parents.  And, let me tell you friends, hungover parenting is the least fun kind.  Thankfully, my sweet little boo seemed to know mommy wasn't feeling well and was a happy little dude all day.  He's pretty awesome.

 

Please ignore the booze in the background...


 

Ok, the above picture was from Monday.  There was no way I could have even stepped foot in the beer/wine aisle on Sunday....  Either way, he's a pretty cute little nugget!



 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Who says you can't go home?

Last weekend, we went home to visit my family in TN.  We took Holt on his first plane ride.  Aside from a 10 minute meltdown on the return flight, he did pretty darn good.  I was pleasantly surprised at how nice and accomodating the people at the airport (and I'm talking employees, not other travelers!) were.  I was even able to wear him in the Baby K'Tan through security!  At the end of the post, I'll give you my tips for flying with an infant.

In the mean time, put your seat backs and tray tables in the upright position and enjoy the flight through the pictures that I'll let do most of the talking! (wow, that was a really bad attempt at a pun, or whatever...)



 

H is sitting in his seat like a big boy!  He really didn't sit there.  We held him.  We just put him here while we put our stuff in the overhead bin and got settled.

We timed his bottles to where he'd be eating upon take off.  Then, he fell sound asleep after.  I'm talking about the baby, not the husband...

 

 

 

Sweet baby cousins!! Unfortunately this cousin was more interested in hitting H than loving on him.  LOL  He was also fascinated with his hair.  My other nephew LOVES H.  My brother and the boys were meeting us for lunch and he got in the car and asked my nephew M was he was doing and he said "going to see Hote!" (pronounced like tote with an H)  And all weekend, he'd follow us around wanting to see what "Hote" was doing.  He'd even steal toys from his brother to give to H.  So stinkin sweet! 

 

 

 

As you can see from the above pictures, his hair was a bit of a hot mess.  So, since my SIL is a hair dresser, we asked her to cut it for us.  Since the only hair long enough is right on top of his head, he now has a natural mohawk thing happening...  You can see M's little leg in the bottom of the left picture, always interested in what Hote is doing!

 

 

Me and sweet nephew M.  I just love that little nugget!  He is so sweet and so funny.  I miss those nephews like crazy and hate that I live so far away from them!

 

 

Tips and tricks for traveling with an infant:

 

First of all, the most freaked out people about an infant on a plane are the infant's parents.  Rarely do people care as much as you think they will.  In fact, on the flight to TN a nice lady offered to have us sit in her row (we flew Southwest, where boarding is similar to The Hunger Games).

 

Get to the airport early.  We got there with about an hour and a half to spare.  We checked our suitcase (I got all 3 of us packed in one suitcase.  I am awesome!) and our car seat and base.

 

Be ready to put your stroller through the security belt thing.  We have a Britax B-Agile and it's insanely easy to fold.  That's why we brought our full size stroller.

 

Don't sit in the front row.  We did this since the nice lady asked.  But, we couldn't have any bags with us, so I was left to awkwardly hold his bottle, our water bottle, his toys, his burp cloth, and a blanket, plus my phone and Nook.  It was less than comfortable.

 

Feed during take off.  I read this helps with the ears during pressure changes.  However, he did fine during landings without even a paci, so perhaps this is best determined on a kid by kid basis.

 

Don't freak out!  We were far more worried about it that necessary.  It was so much easier than I thought it would be.  Granted, we had a domestic flight with no layovers and the flight itself was just over an hour.  I'll check back if I ever fly cross country with a 30 min layover....





6 months

Holy crap, how on earth is my little nugget already half a year old?!  Where on earth has the time gone?  It's the strangest thing, it seems like just yesterday he was born but at the same time I can't remember my life without him in it.  Very strange stuff.

brand new to 5 months

 

He has such a fun personality.  He is all smiley and happy.  When I pick him up from the sitter's he grins and grins at me then buries his face in my neck.  He talks and talks and talks some more.  He's started to say dadadadada which my husband loves.  I just keep telling him that the da is easier to say than the ma.  Not to mention he has no idea what that means!  Perhaps I'm just jealous...

He's finally gaining some weight.  He's up 4 lbs since his 4 month check up.  He's at 17 lbs 14 oz (56%) and 27 inches long (69%).  His head is finally evening out.  He's still in the 90's percentile wise (93%) but the rate at wich it's growing has slowed.  Looks like he's just going to have a big noggin.  It's cause he's so smart!



Loves

His bouncy.  This kid loves that thing.  He jumps so high and just squeals while he's in there.
His highchair.  After dinner, I wheel him into the living room and he just hangs out in there.  And he loves the rolling to the living room part.  He thinks its hilarious

Being tickled.  He giggles the sweetest little giggles when I tickle him

His momma.  He's becoming a bit of a mommas boy and I kind of love it

 

Doesn't Love

Still getting lotioned after a bath.  He hasn't quite realized that lotion does not equal hot acid

Being on his back.  He is constantly trying to roll over on his belly!

 

 









 

 

 

He sits up on his own regularly and does it well.  He's up on all fours and rocking, but still hasn't crawled just yet.  He's still going strong on foods.  He's quite the little piggy and I love it.  I gave him mashed potatoes last weekend and he made the cutest little digusted face.  He's so funny.

Sweet little boo,

How has time gone by so fast?  I fall more and more in love with you every day.  I love watching your little personality develop and see who you're becoming.  You make us laugh all the time with your huge smile.  You talk and talk to us and will respond if we ask you questions.  You let us know when you love or hate something.  Very opinionated, just like your momma.  You're quite the little goof, just like your daddy.  And you've developed into quite the little flirt.  Also just like your daddy!  We are having so much fun with you and love you so much we can't stand it!

Love, Momma

Today I am thankful

This week, a dear friend of mine had to deliver her baby at 16 weeks.  She is very obviously devastated at the loss of their sweet boy.  After hearing her news, I immediately had the primal physical urge to hold and squeeze my sweet boy.

I started to do some self reflection.  It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day frustrations and complications of life.  For me, a huge part of that for so long was struggling to become a mother.  It was a huge part of my life for so long.  And, one that I still struggle to come to terms with each day.  I tend to let myself think that I don't take motherhood for granted after that struggle.  But, on the hard days, when H just won't quit fussing or I'm cleaning spit up off myself for the millionth time, it's so easy to give into the frustration.  But, this week, I have been very aware of just how lucky I am.

 



 

 



I am so lucky that I got to have my baby.  So many women still struggle to have their child.  Some, like my friend, don't get to take their baby home.  Sure, I had to work really hard and go through more than I would have liked to have him.  But, I did.  And he's perfect and smart and healthy and funny and pretty much the cutest thing I have ever seen in my entire life.  I am lucky that I have a husband who I love and who loves me.  He is an amazing father to our son.  Do we have our issues?  Sure.  Who doesn't?  But, we're happy. We have a good, no great, life together.  Sure, we could have more money or a bigger house or better cars or whatever.  But, we have a good life.

 

 

 



 



So, today I am thankful for all that I have.  I will try to remember my thankfulness when I get frustrated that H won't stop crying or when B leaves his shoes laying around.  I will try to hold onto it when I feel stressed about money or the house or my job.  I will remember that I am so incredibly blessed.



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





5 Months

5 whole months



Ok, I know I say this every month, but I really truely can not believe how fast time is flying by.  How is my teeny little squishy newborn already almost half a year old?  It doesn't seem possible!  I mean look at that actual baby up there!  He's got so much personality these days.  He's constantly smiling.  He's developed likes and dislikes and will let you know when he doesn't like something.  He's mobile without being able to crawl.  He will roll all over the place.  He thinks it's hilarious when he rolls over onto his belly while trying to change him.  He'll look over at me and just grin so big.  It's adorable and enfuriating all in one. 

 

 



Loves:
Being on his belly.  He rolls over in his crib before I can even turn on the monitor and leave his room.
The dogs.  He's finally starting to notice them and will follow them with his eyes.
His parents.  His whole little face lights up when he sees one of us.  Melts my heart every.single.time
Still the bath.
Pears.  Let me tell you, they make him a wild beast, but he loves them.
His jumpy.  Kid can not get enough of it
Still loves being outside.  It continues to be a sure fire way to stop a meltdown

Dislikes:
Getting changed.  He rolls over onto his belly.  B calls it his alligator death roll
Green beans.  He looks at me like "momma what on earth are you feeding me?!"

Exhibit A



He still doesn't like getting lotion on after a bath, but is more agreeable to it if I let him lay on his belly
He's starting to not like his carseat for long periods of time 

Milestones:
Eating lots of solids and exploring what he likes and doesn't like
Giggles!  He has finally started giggling!  It's quite possibly the best sound in the whole wide world
And, technically, this should fall under the milestones that happened during month 5, but dude sat up on his own!

So, this happened....


 

My sweet sweet boy,

We are loving getting to see glimpses into your developing little personality.  You are a smiley happy little guy who likes to be on the move, much like your daddy.  However, if someone does something you don't like, you will let them know - loudly.  Much like your mommy.  You are so smiley, but your giggles are reserved for super funny things, which make me cry every time I hear it because it makes my heart burst with happiness.  I can't get over how much I love you and how lucky I am that you're mine.

I love you so much!
Momma

Picture catch up

Not a whole bunch has been going on in our neck of the woods (although my mom was here last weekend and it was awesome.  I'm ready for her to come back now...). So, rather than a mundane post about all the non fun things that have been happening, I just thought it would be fun to post some adorable pics of the nugget and let the captions do the talking...







He looks like such a little boy here.  I love it and hate it!
Plus, he was decidedly not a happy camper when I put this shirt on.  I was being ironic.



Oh, nanny you're so funny!!

 

His nanny bought him a jumper.  Clearly he loves it!

 

I work out...

 

This is how he fell asleep on our way home from dinner last night..


 



And this is what happened when we woke him up to take him inside.  Helllooooo Ladies!

 

So, we have been venturing into the world of regular foods for the dude.  So far, so good.  we have yet to find one that he doesn't like.  Hooray!  Plus, between that and the extra 1/2 ounce in his bottle, Operation Fatten Up The Baby is quite the success!  



 



Ok, this took him a while to like.  But, now, he's a fan.  Especially when we add bananas


 



He loved the squash, despite the skeptical look on his face

Again, another one he liked despite the initial skepticism

 

 

Bananas?........Bananas!!!

This is where I'd put a picture of Sweet Potatoes, but all we have is video.  He loved sweet potatoes!





This kid loves pears.  However, they seem to make him a biiiiit excited after...See the Hello Ladies pic above...

So, that's a small glimpse of what we've been up to lately.  Tomorrow we're going to have so pro pics taken of him.  Can't wait to see how those turn out.  I'm going to have to figure out a way to tame that hair before we go...

 

Things nobody tells you about pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum...

As I was getting ready this morning and realized that there was possibly more hair in my sink that on my head, I thought I'd share a few things that no one tells you about having a baby.  The good, the bad, and the ugly...

Pregnancy
1.  You will feel like you've been repeatedly kicked in the vag.  This is normal.  Apparently it's just your pelvic floor stretching.  How lovely.
2.  You basically leak constantly.  You think that when you get pregnant any liquid coming out of you stops.  Nope.  You basically have a constant flow of discharge.
3.  The five second window you have to go from not hungry to ravenous.  That 5 seconds is no joke.  I would go from perfectly fine to all weak and shaky I was so hungry.  Purse and car snacks are a must.
4.  First trimester tiredness is more like first trimester mind numbing exhaustion.  I have never been so tired in all my life, and I've had a newborn.  I was just worn the eff out all the time.  There were times I'd get home from work and not really remember how I got home.

Labor & Delivery
1.  When your water breaks, it doesn't stop flowing.  This one surprised me.  Hours after it was broken, I sat up to get my epidural and there was another huge gush...almost all over B's shoe.  That was kind of funny.
2.  The epidural, while glorious, does have some adverse side effects.  A friend of mine threw up like crazy when she had hers.  Mine made me shake like crazy.  So much so that it kind of freaked me out a little.  The tips of two of my fingers were also numb for a while, something I think may have to do with the epidural.
3.  How to push.  No one talks about this.  You see people dramatically pushing on TV and in the movies, but there is no where telling you how to actually do this.  The best advice I got was from a friend who said to push like you're pooping.  This served me well as I was told that I was a chapmion pusher.
4.  Sometimes cliches are true. I lived for the ice chips and cold compress on my head...until I didn't.
5.  Getting an epidural isn't super fast and easy.  I don't know why I thought this was effortless.  You get a little shot of lidocane and bing bam boom you get the epi and drift off into relaxation.  Mine took forever and the poor guy doing it had to stick me several times, eventually laying me on my side to get it in.
5a.  Having scoliosis can effect your epi.  I had to go meet with an anesthesiologist at my      hospital early on to ensure that I could have one due to my scoliosis.  They said I could.  However, the guy actually giving it to me claimed that that's why it was difficult.

Postpartum
1.  Breastfeeding is hard, yo.  Everyone talks about what a natural and beautiful thing it is.  No one tells you that is so hard.  You're already overwhelmed and exhausted and sore and in total awe of your little person and now you have this added stress of making sure they're getting enough food.  My milk didn't come in until about Wednesday.  H was born on Saturday.  It was so hard and exhausting.  And, even once it came in, he wouldn't latch, then he wasn't getting enough.  It was the 3 hardest weeks of my life, trying to breastfeed. 
2.  As mentioned above, you will lose your hair.  Copious amounts of it.  I'm talking like enough to stuff a couch and have a hair couch if you wanted to.  You hoard all your hair when you're pregnant, resulting in glorious pregnancy hair.  Well, don't get used to it ladies cause it won't last long!
3.  Your first post delivery poop will scare you to death.  You may think that you just pushed a human out of you, a poop is nothing.  Uh, no.  Its terrifying BECAUSE you just pushed a human out of you.  Thankfully, they give you stool softeners in the hospital to make it a little easier.
4.  This was from my mom.  It hurts for a while after.  She said that's what surprised her most when she had her first, my brother.  With the advent of Pinterest and all their postpartum recovery pins, I feel like this one is being talked about more and more.  I didn't hurt as bad as I was afraid I would.  But, I was suprised at what triggered pain.  I sneezed a few days pp and was shocked that it hurt down stairs.  Who knew!

So, there you have it.  Some little gems of wisdom from me to you.  And, if you've had a baby, feel free to chime in on the comments if I missed any!

On Childcare...

This may be sort of stream of consciousness, just me rambling on and on. So, please bear with me.  Perhaps I'll post a cute baby pic at the end to make it all worth your while!

Being a mom is hard, guys.  The hardest and most amazing thing I've ever done.  There's a saying that having a child is like having your heart outside your body.  That is completely accurate.  So, when you have to leave your heart in the hands of someone else for 9 or so hours a day, it's excruciating (I had to google search that to make sure I spelled it right.  For the record, I did!).  Leaving my little nugget every morning is so hard.  Leaving him to be cared for and snuggled and loved by someone else just plain sucks.

But, you know what makes all that either easier or harder?  Your childcare provider.  Now,  I have been back to work for a little over 2 months and we're on our third babysitter.  The first one didn't work out b/c she claimed H cried too much.  The second one we LOVED and she loved our little guy.  But, she moved 2 hours away, so clearly that wasn't going to work.  Initially, we really liked our new lady.  She immediately reminded B of his beloved babysitter from when he was little.  But, slowly over the past month that we've been with her, we're liking her less and less.  Also, she is regularly in her robe or a nightgown when I pick him up at 5:15 PM.

Last week, H was going through a growth spurt.  So, for the most part he was less than fun to be around.  Everyday when I picked him up she regailed me with stories about what a handful he was that day.  No mom wants to hear that about her kid.  So, on Friday I asked if he had always been fine and was just having an off week.  Nope, apparently he's always fussy for her and is progressively getting worse.  She claims that she can only leave him in one spot for a max of 20 minutes before he cries.  Um, excuse me lady, but he's 4.5 months old.  He can not self soothe yet nor can he entertain himself.  I pay you to take care of and entertain my kid!  Meanwhile, when her daugher helps watch him, she always says he's great for her.  She actually gets on the floor and plays with him.  (Side bar: a friend of mine actually interviewed my sitter and she point blank told her that the daughter is who plays with the kids b/c she's younger and doesn't mind getting on the floor with him) When we were initially emailing about childcare, she said they love to interact and love on the babies and they don't believe that a baby can be held too much.  She has also complained that he needs to be held too often.  Yesterday she told B that in all her years of watching kids, she has never seen a baby as fussy as H.

This is where this mama bear gets pissed.  We kept a completely open mind and observed H last weekend.  We took him for walks and played with him and even laid him down on his play mat. He was fine.  All weekend.  When he was bored, he'd fuss and we'd move on to the next activity.  I even contacted our previous nanny to see if he was fussy for her or if I just can see no wrong in my kid.  She said he'd have his off days, as all babies do, but once you figured out what he liked, he was perfectly happy.  So, is it her or is it H? 

So, now we're on the hunt yet again for a new sitter for our little guy.  It is so heartbreaking to have to leave him every day with someone that we're not 100% on board with.  I'm nearly in tears writing this, thinking of him being with someone who doens't think he's the best baby that ever was.  Unfortunately me not working isn't an option.  And actual daycare centers in our area are outrageously priced.

Wish us luck as we try to find someone who will love our little guy like their own and that we feel ok with leaving him while we work.

And, as promised, here is an adorable nugget pic!

Hippo just loves her baby brother!

Sleep revisited

Guys, we have gotten an uninterrupted full night's sleep every night since Thursday.  This is huge.  Granted, when I wrote my original sleep post, I was all impressed with myself for figuring out sleep so early on.  Well, as they do, my kiddo made a fool of me.  Ok, not that bad.  I have a flair for the dramatic.  But, he did continue his not so fun paci game for quite some time.

So, after a few nights of him not being remotely tired when I put him down, I thought maybe he wasn't sleeping soundly because he was going to bed too early.  Thursday night I put him down at 8.  A little fussing then bam! sleep through the night.  Friday, Saturday, and Sunday we had things going on each evening and he went to bed closer to 8:30.  Bam!  sleep through the night!  Last night he was a bit fussy so I put him to bed around 7:45 - bam! sleep through the night.

It may or may not need to be noted that he's also gone from 3 naps to about 2 now.  That could have something to do with it.  I have no idea.

I guess the whole point of this follow up post is to just listen to your little nugget.  Pay attention to his/her cues.  They usually will let you know what's best for them.

Advice for the Infertile...

When we were in the throes of going through all our infertility mess, I mostly kept it to ourselves.  I mean, I had some friends that I would talk to about it, and definitely my mom.  But, I didn't talk about it on social media or anything.  Once we got pregnant, I became more vocal about it.  Infertility is something that no one talks about and it's very very isolating.  Once I felt ok talking about it, I want to help anyone and everyone who is going through it so that they don't feel the confusion, frustration, and isolation that we did.  If I can even help one person going through it, then it was worth it.  (well, that and my precious boy.  He made it worth it too!)  Since coming out with it, I've had several people reach out and ask questions about what we went through.  I'm so glad they feel like they can and I hope I've helped them.  So, here are some nuggets of advice I'd give anyone going through the infertility struggle.  It helped me and will hopefully help them.

1. Be your own advocate.  I can not stress this enough.  I have seen and heard that RE's go to treatment is IVF.  It has the highest success rate and costs much more.  Why wouldn't they want that?  However, for some people (us included), it's more of a last ditch effort.  I wanted to exhaust any and all options before trying IVF.  Both my RE and another doctor in the practice told me I'd be very successful due to my egg hoarding tendencies.  But, for me, I wasn't ready to make that leap just yet.  And, thankfully I didn't need to.  I also advocated for myself to go on a higher dose of meds my last round, and that also paid off.  You know your own body better than anyone else and you know what's best for you.

2. Trust that it will happen.  I know the most annoying piece of advice to infertiles is "relax it'll happen".  But, for me, when I finally accepted that I WOULD get my baby -even if it's not when or how or why I wanted - I would get him.  That gave me the peace that I needed to move through the process.

3.  Allow yourself to feel your emotions.  So often we feel the need to be strong and to put on a brave face all the time.  But, going through infertilty is hands down the hardest thing I've ever been through.  And, sometimes it was impossible to put on a brave face.  So, I allowed myself a day to be totally mad or sad or discouraged or whatever.  Allowing myself that one day to feel what I needed to feel really helped.  After that day was over, I was able to pull myself out of whatever funk I was in and get going again.

4. Have a good support system.  This doesn't have to even be people you know in real life.  I had an amazing group of women online that I confided in.  We were all going through it together, which helped more than I can say.  There's something about having a sounding board of people who know exactly what you're going through.  My IRL friends were great too.  They were supportive and kind.  And, of course my mom.  She helped more than she could ever know.  But having those people to listen, or to let you cry or bitch, and to just give you a big hug, makes it bearable.

5. Trust and like your doctor and the whole office staff.  Those people will be more intimate with you than your husband at time.  You darn well better like them and feel comfortable with them!

So, here are some things that helped me.  I hope it will help someone else out there!  And, if you ever need someone to be in your support system, I'm here.

We are family

This past week my brother and his sweet little family came to visit us.  They have 2 boys.  M who is 2 and C who is 10 months.  Those boys are all boy.  Total balls of energy and just so dang cute I could squish them all the time!!  I had to work through most of their visit, but we still had a great time.

Every time all 3 boys are together, my poor mom tries to get them all in little matching outfits and take their picture.  It has yet to work out.  Well, my SIL and I had the boys all together (while the men golfed) and I decided to make it happen.  It was 15 minutes of pure chaos.  A 2 year old who skipped his nap, a 10 month old who is constantly on the go, and a 4 month old who can't sit up on his own. It was the best kid of ridiculous! Luckily we were still able to get some really good shots.

 

 

We took all 3 boys to the pool and had a great time.  M kept telling everyone "I in the poo!" or coming up to whoever wasn't in the poo with him and taking them by the finger and guiding them to go in with him.  So stinking cute!!!

 

 

 

It was such a great visit and I was so sad to see them leave.

 

 

 

Holding my breath

As I mentioned in Holt's 4 month update, we had a scare when his head measured much bigger than it had at his 2 month check up.  We went yesterday for his ultrasound and everything checked out perfectly normal.  There is some extra fluid in there, but nothing to be concerned with.  Apparently this is just one of those things that happen.  But, it was terrifying to hear that something could be wrong with my little guy.

Holding his own bottle, such a big boy.  Nothing is wrong with his head!

 

The day we found out that something could potentially be wrong, I was devestated.  The mere thought that there was potential for something to be wrong with my miracle baby shook me to my core.  I was talking to my mom about it and she said something that really struck a cord with me and perfectly described how I felt in that moment.  She said "I feel like I've been holding my breath for you for the past 3 years".  It was so true.  Between all the infertility stuff we fought through.  Then, getting pregnant and having a few scares during my pregnancy (a cyst on his brain, potential gestational diabetes, the preeclampsia).  Once my boy was born, there was a murmer scare that resolved itself.  Once we brought him home there was the weight loss and the jaundice.  It the moment it really felt like that was it.  I'm holding my breath constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But, I realize that maybe, it's not waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Maybe it's a lesson in strength.  My mom always says that I come from "Pioneer Stock" and that I'm strong.  I used to not believe it.  But, if the past 3 years have taught me anything thing, it's that I do have that pioneer spirit.  That I can go through hell and come out the other side stronger.  It's sort of empowering to know that I have this inner strength that I never really knew I had.

A reminder from my mom on the board in my labor & delivery room

I will say that I may have lost a little of my ability to look on the bright side.  After so many disappointments, its easier for me to go into a potentially scary situation (my 4 month old's brain ultrasound for instance) in sort of neutral mode.  If I don't get my hopes up, then it's not as far to fall if something is actually wrong.  I guess that's the definition of "expect the worst but hope for the best".

I suppose this is what parenting is all about.  Holding your breath and expecting the worst but preparing for the best.



4 months!

My sweet little nugget is already 4 months old!  How on earth has this happened?  It's a strange feeling.  I feel like I was just beind admitted to the hospital to have him.  But, at the same time, I feel like he's been with us forever.  Like I can hardly picture a time when he wasn't in my life.

We had his 4 month check up yesterday.  He has gained a few pounds and is at 13 lbs 15.5 oz.  He's in the 30% for weight.  I asked if I should be concerned.  She said no because he is gaining at a rate they want to see.  He's now 25 3/4 inches, in the 79%.  Long and lean.  He screamed and screamed during his shots.  It broke this momma's heart. But, after he was a-ok.  We went home and snuggled on the couch for the rest of the day.

Loves:
Bath time, just being in the water in general, FINALLY Sophie the Giraffe, the turtle that hangs on his car seat handle that plays music, his hands, and as much as I hate to say it - the TV.  He's mesmerized by it.

Hates:
Getting his diaper changed, getting all lotioned up after the bath.

Milestones:
Rolling belly to back AND back to belly.  He's sleeping all night without the paci game more and more frequently.  He wants to sit up so badly, so we have him in his bebe pod a lot.  He's so on the verge of laughing.  He smiles soooo big that we swear a laugh is going to come out, but no dice yet.  It's coming any day now. I can feel it.

He is so happy.  He wakes up grinning at me which totally melts my heart.  He talks all the time.  He comes from 2 very chatty parents, so he comes by it honest.  Now that he's figured out rolling back to belly he doesn't stay on his back long.  Gone are the days where I can leave him on the couch for a quick second while I grab something.

And, now, for some not so happy stuff.  I wasn't sure if I was even going to mention this on the blog.  But, I find writing cathartic, so I'm going to go for it.  At the appointment yesterday they noticed that his head has grown quite a bit.  At his 2 month appointment he was in the 56% and now he's at the 97%. That's a huge jump in only 2 months.  The nurse measured it twice and then our NP measured it again.  She also said that his fontanel is large.  So, to be safe they've referred us to get an ultrasound of his head.  It could be nothing more than a huge growth spurt.  But, it could also be something.  And, if it is, that could mean surgery on my 4 month's old head.  That compeltely freaks me out and devestates me.  I can't even fathom that.  I'm trying to take it little by little.  Just focus on getting through the ultrasound, which is next week.  But, I can't keep from being terrified that it's going to be a worst case scenario.  He is my whole heart and my whole soul.  He has to be ok.

A year ago today...

As I was getting ready for work this morning, my sweet boy was laying on our bed babbling and talking away.  It was the sweetest sound in the world.  A year ago today, my morning was much different.  It was a Monday and it was a big day.  It was the day of our IUI.  Our last effort in conceiving.
The actual procedure was scheduled for 9 am.  But, we had to take B's contribution at 8 so they could wash them up real good and get them ready for their big date with my eggs.  Yes, eggs.  I had 4 that were big enough to release when I did my trigger shot.  We knew we were playing a risky little game, but this was our last shot and it was go big or go home.  After we dropped it off, we went down the street to get some coffee.  Well, coffee for him and water for me.  I was already nervous enough.  I didn't need to be all hopped up on caffeine.  It was kind of a quiet little coffee date.  I think we were both in our own heads about what was about to go down.
We arrived back at the office and were ushered to a room.  I was only used to the ultrasound rooms, so this was a new place for me. It was brighter and had a window.  For some reason, I found comfort in this.  I was told to take off everything from the waist down and lay on the table under the paper that would cover my lady bits.  For some reason I always hid my undies in my purse during these visits.  Clearly B had seen my undies and the person doing the procedure would see far more personal things than my undies, but still.  Small personal privacy victories people.  We had to wait a bit before the nurse came back.  B, always the one to not be serious in a serious situation, asked if he could hop on the table and put his feet up in the stirrups.  Laughing and being goofy with him is just what I needed in that moment.
The whole IUI procedure took less than 15 minutes.  It would have taken less had she not had to switch speculums cause the first one hurt like a mo fo.  That was it.  15 minutes that would change our lives forever.  I laid on the table for about 10 minutes after to let gravity do its thing.  I took the day off work, so when I got home I changed into comfy pants, put a pillow under my hips, and laid on the couch all day long.  A friend told me to visualize the sperm swimming to my eggs.  Me, being ridiculous, ended up singing "Just keep swimming" from Finding Nemo in my head all day.  I guess it's basically the same thing.  One would even say it was the first song I ever sang to my baby.  (That was meant as a joke and now I'm all teary eyed thinking about it.  Good Lord.)
Next I waited for 2 long weeks.  The 2 longest weeks of my life.  But, since you all have met my sweet boy, you know how that turned out!
And, since I haven't posted a pic of my little dude in a while, here's a picture.  My whole heart captured in one picture.